15 September 2021

2021 College Football Week 3, NFL Week 2

Week 2 College Recap: Cutty Sark already relapsing on his QB pick of Hudson Card! After 1 1/2 games!  Cutty shows he can't handle the pressure! Lock the liquor cabinets in Austin!  If I was Card, I'd already be in the transfer portal, because if your coach is this weak and double-minded, why bother sticking around and letting him ruin your career? Clay Helton fired after USC's dismal loss to Stanford. Poor timing.  USC is setting up the interim coach to look good, and then there will be the inevitable pressure to give him the job when the players and a certain demographic of the fan base say he is the perfect choice, and thus UCS gets an almost Ed Orgeron/for real Clay Helton 2.0.  Dumb. Florida State: LOL! Teams like FSU should remind Michigan fans: you CAN do worse than Harbaugh.

College Picks Week 3 (11-10-1 vs the spread for the season): Another week of mostly shitty games.

Nebrasska +22 @ Oklahoma: What will Scott Frost's excuse be this week? Oklahoma's cheerleaders didn't douche, and their vaginas smelled so bad it gave all our players migraines.  Anyway, of course Nebrasska will lose, but I am picking them to cover because their defense is average and Oklahoma is one of the softest teams in America and their coach isn't much better than Frost.  Nebrasska.

Cincinnati -3.5 @ Indiana: This game will tell us how much Indiana is back to being Indiana, rather than if Cincy is legit.  Cincinnati.

Purdue +7 @ Notre Dame: Notre Dame barely managed to beat Florida State and Toledo, and while Purdue is also a cream puff, they are a heavier cream than the SemenHoles and Rockets.  Purdue.

Alabama -15.5 @ Florida: The Gators have rushed for 763 yards in their first two games, averaging over 8 yards per carry. . .true, both games were against tomato cans, but even against sissy teams, that's still hard to do.  If they can rush for over 200 yards against the Menstrual Tide, they'll beat the spread.  Florida.

Kent State +22.5 @ Iowa: UPSET SPECIAL. Iowa has no offense, and the Golden Flashes will able to score enough to cover.  Kent State.

Auburn +6 @ Penn State: Penn State's defense is just too good for Never-Lived-Up-To-The-Hype Bo Nix, plus it's a White Out.  Auburn is gonna get a rough dose of Northern Football.  Penn State  

Week 1 NFL Recap: There were some truly dreadful performances. . .the Titans: Mike Vrabel punked by punk Kliff Kingsbury, which means it may be all over for the one-time seeming promising head coach.  He has a tough guy persona, but his defense plays about as muscular as a Thai ladyboy. The Lions: for 55 minutes they were the 49ers punching bag, then they staged a mini-comeback from 38-10 that actually saw them with the ball on the 49er 25 yd line with 30 seconds to go, one score from tying the game.  It's probably more that the 49ers lost interest, they were laughing at the pathetic Lions for most of the game, but at least the Leos kept trying, which is more than they did under Matt Patricia.  The offense looked fairly promising, but the defense still looks absolutely horrendous.  The Packers: LOL! A Super Bowl darling pick, they were plastered by a homeless Saints team.  Aaron Rodgers looked like a long-haired skid row bum, and played like one.  A one game aberration, or, as we thought could be possible, a team that could crack because of MeMe Rodgers off-season drama queen antics?  Trevor Lawrence: He sucked. Tossed three inexcusable INTs. I've said it a few times, but the kid has not improved since his Freshman year at Clemson.  Still plays the same way, showing little interest in the mechanical and mental aspects of the QB position. The guy has all the physical tools to be an All-Timer, but you wonder sometimes about these self-proclaimed Christian college heroes, guys like him and Tebow, if they think God will magically bestow success upon them.  They may mistake a physical talent as a gift from God, and then they end up at a powerhouse college team, where their mistakes are swallowed up by their teams overwhelming talent edge, but they assume it's God blessing them, and that God will always order their steps to sports success. But God don't give a shit about football, and probably would rather Tebow and Lawrence worked in a soup kitchen or a mission field.  At this point, Lawrence is far behind Mac Jones as a professional-ready QB, and even lags behind Zach Wilson.  After one week, I rate the rookie QBs: 1. Zach Wilson 2. Mac Jones  3. Trevor Lawrence.  The Giants: Steam-rolled by the Broncos, played about as inspired of football as you would expect from a team coached by a Bill Belichick clone.  But the worst of all had to be the Atlanta Falcons: clobbered by a shit-ass Eagles team that tore through them with Jalen Hurts at QB. I had a feeling the FedEx heiress Arthur Smith wouldn't be able to relate to most NFL players, and it sure looked that way Sunday.  The Falcons went down without a fight.  Coach of the Week: Dana Scully of the Houston Texans. LOL! He (and his retread DC Lovie Smith) whipped Urban Meyer, and showed the college boy what the pro game is all about.  I've never seen a Meyer team look so amateurish.  I thought he would have the Jags ready.  I was 100% wrong. Maybe Meyer's just mailing it in at this stage, content to cash the giant paychecks his Paki owner gives him.  Whatever the reason, it was not a promising start.  In fact, it was a start that looked like Meyer is isolated from his own team.  But, hey, this is about Dana Scully, a laughable hire expected to put the League's worst team on the field, but the Texans looked better than most of the teams with rookie coaches.  And Hell, the Texans are in the worst division, by far, in the League, so he may even win 4 or 5 more games.  6-11 could win that shit-ass division.    

NFL Picks Week 2 (5-6 vs spread for the season): 

NY Giants +4 @ Washington: Ryan Fitzpatrick lasted about 5 minutes, then fell down and broke a hip like an old lady.  LOL! The Giants sucked against Denver.  The loser of this game immediately becomes the NFC's worst team. I guess I'll take the shit-ass team getting the points.  New York.

Buffalo -3 @ Miami: Miami got a bit lucky in their win over NE, the Patriots literally fumbled the game away, and Buffalo got pushed around by the Steelers.  Josh Allen looked feeble.  He needs to step up this week, or Buffalo's season will already be on life support.  Buffalo.

New England -5.5 @ New York Jets: Zach Wilson got his ass sacked a ton, and really struggled early, but he hung in there, showed toughness, and started to sling the football pretty good in the second half, keeping the Jets in the game.  Outside of his first pass, when he intentionally grounded a lateral(!), Mac Jones looked like a veteran QB.  The kid throws a nice ball, and while he doesn't have a rocket arm, he showed he could make enough throws to win a lot of games in the League.  The Patriots got a bargain getting him at #15.  At worst, he will be the third best QB from this draft, and depending on how Lawrence progresses, or if Wilson gets crippled, he could end up first or second.  The teams that passed on him for Lance and Fields made big mistakes.  New England.

Las Vegas +5.5 @ Pittsburgh: The Raiders won a game even though they Raidered!  Overcoming their horrible goal line gOOfs and beating the Ravens may signal they finally have a little bit of mental toughness under Jon Gruden.  The Steelers defense was outstanding against the Bills. . .but their offense sucked, and Najee Harris looked like a plowhorse, like I thought he was.  The Raiders have far more weapons on offense than the Bills.  Las Vegas.

Cincinnati +3 @ Chicago: Joe Burrow getting 3 against Dalton-Fields??  LOL!  EZ Money!  Cincinnati.

Minnesota +4.5 @ Arizona: If the Vikings lose this one, the Mike Zimmer death watch begins.  Arizona really surprised me with that epic beat-down of the Titans.  But I have to believe it was more due to the internal problems on Tennessee being even worse than I thought.  Minnesota has a better roster than Arizona. No excuses for the great excuse maker Zimmer.  Got to win this one.  Minnesota.

Kansas City -3.5 @ Baltimore: A brutal opening two games for the IR Ravens.  (But they get the Lions in Week 3).  The Raiders, after the first quarter, were clearly the better team, and they exposed the Ravens deficiencies in pass offense and pass defense.  KC was gifted a win by the Browns, who once again shrank in the Big Moments.  I'm not convinced the Chiefs are a powerhouse, and perhaps the Ravens could steal a win with a dominating run game. . .but I doubt it.  Kansas City.     

Detroit +10.5 @ Green Bay: MeMe Rodgers didn't look ready for the season to begin in Week 1.  But after hearing a little Media criticism, I imagine she'll be dialed in for a Monday Night Show, plus the Lions defense is abysmal.  Jordan Love could probably beat them.  The Lions offense flashed some potential against the 49ers, but their only hope is Jared gOOf playing mistake-free football and the sorry-ass defense snagging a couple Packer turnovers, otherwise, this game will look pretty much like the first 55 minutes of the 49ers game.  Green Bay.

08 September 2021

2021 College Football Week 2, NFL Week 1

A terrible slate of games in Week 2 of college ball.  Mercer is playing Alabama, for crying out loud.  How is that even allowed?  All this shit about re-alignment, expansion, super conferences, you got to do something so that real games are played every week.  8-6-1 vs spread last week.

Oregon +14 @ Ohio State: Oregon got out-gained by Fresno State, and struggled hard to win.  They're gonna all of a sudden have a defense to stop the Buckeyes?  No.  They are gonna get BLOWN OUT.  Ohio State

Toledo +17 @ Notre Dame: The Irish have a new DC, and the results were piss-fucking-poor in Week 1 against the SemenHoles.  Toledo's probably a better team than FSU.  Toledo

Ball State +22.5 @ Penn State: The Shittany Lions have a roster full of 4 & 5 star recruits, but year-after-year they play sod-buster football. They should mop the floor with Ball State, but will struggle and won't put them away until late in the game. Ball State.

Buffalo +13.5 @ Nebrasska: A B1G team at home not even a two touchdown favorite over a MAC team? This is the fourth year of Scott Frost, you think the slappies in Lincoln figured they'd ever be fretting if their Golden Boy could handle a MAC team? I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Buffalo wins, outright. Buffalo.

Iowa +4.5 @ Iowa State: Iowa State is only a Top 10 team because they play in a shit-ass conference.  It's absurd that Iowa is getting points.  Iowa will kick their ass, and then the Cyclones will win a bunch of games against candy-ass teams and Media will fawn all over snaggle-toothed Matt Campbell because they only lose by 10 to shit-ass Oklahoma in the Sissy Conference Title Game.  It's such a limp-wristed conference, Oklahoma and Texas can't wait to get out of it.  Iowa

Eastern Michigan +25.5 @ Wisconsin: I don't even know if Wisconsin can score 26 points.  Graham Mertz was a Big Time QB recruit, but he has played like a bum, he single-hand
edly lost the PSU game for the Badgers.  Eastern hangs tough against B1G teams on the road, and even managed to knock off a couple of the lightweights, Purdue and Illinois, in recent years.  They should be able to lose by only 21 or so.  Eastern Michigan.

Idaho @ Indiana: No line as of Tuesday.  If they set one, take Idaho, whatever it is.  Indiana football is BACK.  Back to being lousy.  They won a few games in the covid season and the Media made Tom Allen into Vince Lombardi, but last week showed he's still Tom Allen, a gOOfball high school coach who lucked into a B1G job.

Washington +6 @ Michigan: Washington lost at home to Montana, and now they go on the road and are only a 6 point underdog, that tells you all you need to know about Jim Harbaugh's tattered reputation. Michigan.


NFL Week One

Dallas +7.5 @ Tampa Bay: I got a feeling Dak Prescott will be crying and in street clothes by half-time.  Tampa Bay.

Philadelphia +3.5 @ Atlanta: Arthur *Silver Spoon* Smith, the FedEx heiress, gets as EZ an opener as possible, going against Jalen Hurts and a Jim Schwartz-less Eagle defense.  If he can't win this game, it means the players have already tuned out Little Lord Fauntleroy.  Atlanta.

Pittsburgh +6.5 @ Buffalo: Too many points.  Bills win, but don't cover.  Pittsburgh.

Minnesota -3 @ Cincinnati: This could be the wildest game of the day, I expect both teams to score a lot of points this season (for the Vikings, until Kirk Cousins gets covid).  They are already worried about Ja'Marr Chase being a flop in Cincy.  That means he'll probably rack up 150 yds and 2 tds in this one.  Minnesota.

San Francisco -7.5 @ Detroit: I expect the 49ers to win, but will not cover because genius Kyle Shanahan's dumb two QB system will consistently interrupt the 49ers offensive momentum, and a Trey Lance turnover will help keep the Lions close all the way to the end.  Detroit.

Los Angeles Chargers -1 @ Washington: I expect to see a significant decline in Justin Herbert this year, look for him to turn the ball over a lot more without Anthony Lynn to chaperone him.  This game won't be close.  To me, it's a joke the Chargers are favored. Washington.

New York Jets +5 @ Carolina: Zach Wilson +5 against Sam Darnold?  C'mon!  New York.

Jacksonville -3 @ Houston: Can you imagine if Trevor Lawrence and Urban Meyer lose to Nimrod Taylor and. . .what's his name?. . .Dana Scully? LOL!  Houston.

Cleveland +6 @ Kansas City: The Browns are the better team, plain and simple.  Cleveland.

Chicago +7.5 @ Los Angeles Rams: The debut of genius Sean McVay and his new girlfriend QB Kelly Stafford.  Can't wait to see the look on McVay's stupid face the moment Kelly tosses a dumbass pick 6.  It will happen.  Stafford is still Stafford.  That said, I doubt the Bears will win, because they have a thin line-up on offense, and their defense is aging, but Kelly will manage to keep the Rams from covering.  Chicago.

Baltimore -5 @ Las Vegas: It's time for Jon Gruden to shit or get off the pot.  He hired Gus Bradley and Rod Moronelli to fix the defense, all they gotta do is stop the run in Week 1.  If they get run over by the Ravens, the season is already lost, because it means the defense is still feeble.  I like Derek Carr (Carr is a true version of the Media version of Kelly Stafford) and the Raider offense.  Let's hope they aren't wasted another season by poor coaching and tissue paper defense.  Las Vegas.

01 September 2021

College Football 2021, Week One

Ohio State -14 @ Minnesota: The Buckeyes defense was mediocre last year, Minnesota has some decent players on offense, if the new OSU QB is slow out of the gate, the Urine-Colored Gophers could take an early lead, then hang on for a 13 point loss.  Minnesota

Penn State +5.5 @ Wisconsin: The Badgers have some weird domestic violence type situation going on in their running backs room, one claims another assaulted him in his dorm room.  Sounds vaguely gay, for that reason we pick: Penn State

Alabama -19.5 vs Miami: If the new Alabama QB is slow out of the gate, the Hurricanes could take an early lead, then hang on for a 19 point loss.  But I don't think that is gonna happen.  Then again, Bill O'Brien is Nick Saban's new OC, he ain't no Lane Kiffin or Cutty Sarkisian.  Hopefully we'll get to see a beet-red in the face Saban yelling at O'Brien early in the second half.  Miami

Louisiana +8 @ Texas: Cutty Sarkisian's first game as Longhorn HC could be a wild one.  Texas has a giant talent edge.  I mean, they have a roster that's as loaded as anybody's this side of Alabama and Ohio State. . .but they've been poorly coached for so long, they can lose to just about anybody on their schedule.  Louisiana has one of the great southern coaches, Billy Napier, they will be ready and won't be wetting their pants. . .but I just have a feeling the Longhorns will overwhelm them, I've sipped the Hudson Card/Bijan Robinson Kool-Aid. Texas

San Jose State +14 @ USC: USC rarely blows anybody out.  They can't play 60 true minutes of football, they'll win, but have enough of their usual off series to allow SJS to cover.  San Jose State.

Georgia +3 vs Clemson: Huge game, two title contenders go right at it Week One.  Clemson can lose and still run the table and make the playoffs, so this game isn't as pressure packed as it is for Georgia.  Georgia ain't running the table in the SEC.  Wait. I just checked Georgia's schedule. LOL! No Alabama, no Texas A&M, no LSU.  Not even Ole Miss. Only one tough game, Florida, and one possible tough game, Auburn.  So the loser of this game will not have their playoff chances crushed.  Clemson has looked a little too finesse the last two years.  And Ohio State really kicked their ass.  I think Georgia is too physical for the pretty boys from Clemson, just as long as JT Daniels doesn't get injured.  If the Bulldogs have to use a back-up QB, game over. Georgia

LSU -3 @ UCLA: Most interesting game of the week.  Two big question mark teams.  The 2019 LSU team was one of the All-Time Greats, but they lost a ton of players and coaches, and they looked amateurish for most of 2020, a real nose dive.  It's time for Chip Kelly to shit or get off the pot at UCLA.  Fourth year, veteran QB, system fully installed with his guys, they looked decent at times in 2020.  LSU still has a roster of 4 and 5 star recruits, while UCLA is mostly a 3 star team, but comic figure coach Ed Orgeron has once again had to remake his coaching staff. . .unfortunately, it looks like 2019 was the anomaly for Ed and LSU. . .and there's also the stink of seeming countless athletics scandals in Baton Rouge.  LSU just smells like a corpse.  UCLA.  

Bonus Picks: Western Michigan +17 over Michigan, Kent State +28.5 over Texas A&M, Northern Iowa +32 over Iowa St, Eastern Illinois +40.5 over South Carolina, Oregon St +7 over Purdue, East Tennessee St +21.5 over Vanderbilt, Florida St +7.5 over ND, Ole Miss -9.5 over Louisville.

27 August 2021

2021 College Football, Week Zero: First (And Last) Time Scott Frost & Bret Bielema Step Into The Spotlight

There are no decent games this Saturday, but there is this ridiculous contest coached by two of college football's most laughable figures:

Nebrasska -7 @ Illinois: Neither of these teams will achieve anything of football merit this year.  They begin a season-long schedule of TV filler games by playing each other, and who wins and who loses makes absolutely no difference in the Grand Football Scheme, it's the football equivalent of background radiation (I don't actually know what background radiation is, but it makes for a catchy metaphor) . . .BUT. . .this is a HUGE game in the race for the National Championship of Schadenfreude Football. . .and it's imperative that Illinois spring the upset so we can begin Scott Frost's 2021 Trail of Tears.  This is the most winnable real game on Nebraska's schedule (Fordham and Buffalo aren't real games), and if Frost somehow loses to slobby boor Bret Bielema in Bret's first game at Illinois, then Frost will:

Probably sniffle and try to fight back tears from streaming down his beet-red face in the post-game presser while inventing another of his moronic excuses (remember, with last year's loss to Iowa, Nebraska became the first team to ever lose a game because the other team clapped too loud) and beg, for about the hundredth time, for just a little more patience as he continues his Herculean task of cleaning up the mess Mike Riley left, though, of course, by this time I doubt any of the current Nebraska roster even know who Mike Riley is.

Now that Mark Dantonio has retired, Frost is easily the biggest crybaby and sorest loser in college football, with an ego only a pussy hair's thinner than Sean McVay's. Everything is always somebody else's fault, he has no shortcomings, and all the proof anybody needs that life is unfair is the satanic fact Nebrasska loses way more football games than they win.

As for Illinois, all you need to know about the abysmal state of their football program is that their last two head coaching hires are Lovie Smith and Bret Bielema.  

Speaking of Bret, a poor coach who rode the wave Barry Alvarez left him in Wisconsin to a big day at Arkansas, where of course he failed, what's most interesting about him, even more interesting than how he managed to convince Illinois he wasn't a retread after kicking around the NFL for a couple years, is how a fat slob like him managed to score such a hot wife. But anyway, we are all Bret Bielema fans in Week Zero. Go Illini!

Prediction: With great reluctance we pick Nebrasska to win (and to cover), thus guaranteeing the Huskers will have a 3-0 record going into the game in which Oklahoma wipes the cupcake schedule produced smug look off Frost's ugly pasty face.

22 August 2021

2021 National Football League Season Preview

Brothers, sisters, and siblings to those still working out their gender, the One Hundred and Second season of the National Football League is upon us.   After a past few dreary seasons marked more by hype (Lamar Jackson! Revolutionary Quarterback! HawHaw say old-time Bears fans who watched Bobby Douglass.  Patty Mahomes! Insane In The Membrane Improv Throws! Never seen anything like it! Greatest QB of All-Time. . .that plays an awful like Brett Favre, so really, pretty good QB who is fun to watch, but not the most accurate or smartest QB.  Kyler Murray!  Johnny Manziel - 40 ouncers ÷ Doug Flutie.  Sean McVay! Kliff Kingsbury! Metrosexual Chip Kellys!) and pregame sermons (breast cancer/racism/domestic violence bad, military good) than actual on field excellence, NFL CII will at least look different:

The New NFL QB Office: Lawrence, Wilson, Lance, Fields & Jones

Long-time QB Partners Changing Offices: Kelly Stafford now practicing in Hollywood with new boyfriend Sean McVay. Jared gOOf leaving California Girls for the pawgs of Detroit. Arson Wentz, who torched his career in Philly, starts over in Indy. FitzMagic in DC. Sam Darnold looking for new cornhole opportunities in Carolina. Plus one of two water boys takes over in New Orleans for Drew Brees, who begins his new full-time career apologizing for being white.

Fresh (and weird) Faces On The Sidelines: Robert *Xerxes* Saleh with the Jets, Dan *Kneecap* Campbell in Detroit, Arthur *Silver Spoon* Smith in Atlanta, oddball Nick *Who?* Sirianni in Philly, and the dumbest coaching hire I can recall: 65 year old biracial-looking life-time NFL non-entity David Culley with the Texans.

And Best Of All, Manic-Depressive College Great Urban Meyer Brings His Obsessive-Compulsive Scheme To The NFL: I have no doubt he will do better in the League than Saban and Chip Kelly.  But his cyst-riddled brain will not allow him to last long enough to match Pete Carroll's level of success. 

Lately the League has had more off-field entertainment value (Dwayne *Fuck Football, Fuck Covid, I Gots To Have A Skank Stripper's Ass In My Face All De Time* Haskins, Aaron Rodgers Prima Donna Hold Out Theatrics, Deshaun Watson's Angry Cock menacing every massage therapist in a 50 mile radius of Houston, Richard Sherman's Drunken Cry For Help, Andy Reid's drunk nepotism coach hire son nearly kills a 5 year old girl, Big Frank Nitti Clark and his machine gun, Rashad *Ain't Got No Problem Hittin' A Bitch* Weaver, Jeff Gladney choking his former girlfriend, and I probably missed ten more.  Titus Young would be Man of the Year if he were in the NFL now), but NFL CII should at least have some novelty value with all the QB and coaching changes.

Here's how the League should shake out in 2021:

AFC East

1. Buffalo: Of the supposed Super Bowl contenders, the Bills have the thinnest margin for error.  Their run game is not that good, and they didn't bolster it with an explosive running back in the draft because their defensive line is slipping a little, and they chose to use their top two draft picks on ends, both of whom (Rousseau, Basham) smell like flops. The pressure therefore remains on the Allen-to-Diggs connection to carry the team, and an injury to the frail Diggs would leave the Bills looking not so Super.  The Bills have a strong, stable coaching staff, an outstanding secondary, and getting Mitch Falsebisky as a back-up QB was not a bad move.  If Allen were to get injured, Falsebisky can at least do enough to beat non-good teams, and keep the Bills from sinking like 2020 Dallas after Dak Prescott twisted his ankle. Everything broke right for the Bills last year, they only lost one close game (on the Kyler Murray Hail Mary), so the NFL Law of Averages says the Bills are due for misfortune. . .on paper they are the best in the AFC East, but if I were gonna place a money bet on the Bills, I would take the under on the 10.5 wins total wager. 

2. New England: Without Tom Brady, Bill Belichick's record is 61-72.  That's not a small sample size. That's 8 seasons of football.  So, Wayne Fontes was a better coach.  Anyway, the genius Belichick is trying to keep a stale franchise relevant by remaining mired in the past.  He now tries to resurrect the Hernandez/Gronk combination by signing a couple new tight ends, Hunter Henry and Jonnu Smith.  Stale.  Stale coaching staff: old Belichick and over-rated Josh McDaniels, plus two Belichick kids. . .and look, there's Fat Matt Patricia lurking in the shadows, playing pocket pool while he chews his ratty beard!  This is not a good coaching staff.  They do have the elements for a strong run game, and a fairly solid defense, so 8 - 10 wins and a second place/wild card contender finish is not out of the question, if they can get even a half-way decent result from stale Cam Newton or Alabama game manager Mac Jones.

3. Miami: The Dolphins made a terrible error due to pride.  Not wanting to admit Tuna Gagvoilia! is not an NFL QB, and not wanting to admit drafting him was a huge error, they let Ryan Fitzpatrick walk away, even though he rescued Tuna and the Dolphins to a 10 win season, and, even worse, having the draft capital to take or maneuver into a position to take any QB in the draft not named Trevor Lawrence, they put on their wish caps and crossed their fingers for Gagvoilia!  Tuna is too small, his arm too weak, and his body too beat up.  I mean, he moves around the field like 1975 Billy Kilmer, but lacks Kilmer's intelligence, guts and will to win.  They drafted Jaylen Waddle to *help* Gagvoila!  LOL! You can surround a bucket of shit with roses, but the bucket of shit is still a bucket of shit.  The Dolphins were +9 in turnovers last year, if the NFL Law of Averages hit, they could even sink below the Jets.

4. New York Jets: The Jets could rise real fast in this shaky division if Zach Wilson hits the ground running. . .unfortunately, his QB coach, Greg Knapp hit the ground permanently when a car plowed into him while he was riding his bike.  How much of a setback is that for Wilson?  Any?  Draft pick Michael Carter could be a 4th round steal, and fantasy football sleeper, with only the frail Tevin Coleman ahead of him.  The Jets, like the Lions, are automatically better via addition by the subtraction of a terrible head coach.  Robert *Xerxes* Saleh is of a magnitude better than Adam Gase, has the personality to connect with players, and assembled a pretty good staff.  

AFC North

1. Cleveland: The Browns are loaded.  When Baker Mayfield is your weak link, you ain't in bad shape.  Mayfield is a serviceable QB surrounded by tons of all-star talent on the offensive line, in the backfield, and at wide-out.  The Browns have an even better power run game than Baltimore, as it's not reliant on having to have a QB run threat.  Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt behind the Browns O-Line can grind defenses into dust.  And Mayfield has a trio of top end receivers (Landry, closeted Beckham Jr and TE Hooper, plus fast-rising Peoples-Jones).  The Browns defense only has to be average, and they played that way last year, even though on paper they should have been better.  They tinkered with it in the off-season, bringing in safety John Johnson (good move) and being the latest team to believe in Jadeveon Clowney's press clippings rather than game tape.  Legit Super Bowl contender.

2. Baltimore: Lamar Jackson hasn't changed the game, and until John Harbaugh and the Ravens acknowledge this, they are stuck in a 10 win and probable Wild Card playoff loss rut.  Sorry, but Jackson just can't throw well enough to win anything BIG (good thing you don't have to throw to beat covid).  The Ravens have a nice run game, a solid defense, good special teams, but if they fall behind? Game over.  Other than his own cock, Jackson ain't beating anything with his arm.  The Ravens wasted their top draft choice by picking a WR (Bateman).  Why bother?  The ball ain't gonna get to him. 

3. Cincinnati: With Joe Burrow tossing the ball to Tyler Boyd, Tee Higgins and rookie Ja'Marr Chase, sprinkled in with a few runs for Joe *I Hit Girls* Mixon, the Bengals should put up plenty of points this year, and be an entertaining watch.  The defense needs a lot of work, they added a few free agents, the best being DE Trey Hendrickson, but they kept their subpar defensive coordinator Lou Anarumo, thus it's unlikely the Bengals can challenge for a Wild Card spot, but they are worth a few bucks bet on the over on their current 6.5 wins total. 

4. Pittsburgh: An old team with an old beat-up QB and head coach going into his 15th season, plus they spend their first round pick on a plow horse running back? That's a first-to-worst recipe if there ever was one.  And then to make matters even worse, they promoted vagabond Matt Canada to Offensive Coordinator.  Canada is one of those coaches who bounces from job-to-job, never excelling, yet is always given one more chance.  You'll remember Canada left the pile of shit in LSU that Joe Brady had to clean up before Joe Burrow could take off.  And next year in Pittsburgh somebody else will have to clean up after Canada shits the bed one more time.  The Steelers collapse actually began at the end of last season, as they lost five of their final six games, including the playoff loss to the Browns when even their #3 defense fell apart. The Steelers deluded themselves, begging Big Ben to come back for one last Super Bowl try. HaHa!  Not happening!  They needed to let Roethlisberger retire, and then trade up for one of the QBs in this year's draft class and begin a rebuild.  Instead they are gonna waste a year, and have to take a QB from a much weaker class.  

AFC South

1. Tennessee: This is the weakest division in the League.  All the teams have serious problems in at least one area, and Houston has serious problems everywhere.  The Titans problems are a horrible defense, and the fact head coach Mike Vrabel hedged his bet trying to fix it, by keeping last year's co-DC, Shane Bowen, but bringing in long-time and former Titan DC genius Jim Schwartz as a *special assistant* to look over his shoulder.  You know Schwartz will be DC by mid-season, at the latest.  The Titans are also much thinner in the passing game after losing Corey Davis and Jonnu Smith, but Derrick Henry may be able to carry them just enough to stay ahead of Jax. 

2. Jacksonville: I have no doubt obsessive-compulsive Urban Meyer will have the Jaguars the most detailed team in the League.  The players will have every opportunity to succeed.  And Meyer made an excellent OC hire in Darrell Bevell, who was able to work out a productive offense with David Blough at QB for the Lions when Kelly Stafford got injured a couple years ago, so just imagine what he can do with all the high-end talent he has to work with in Jacksonville, starting with Wonder Boy #1 Draft Pick QB Trevor Lawrence, the best pro prospect I've seen in college ball, though I must say he didn't really improve much from his freshman to junior year.  D.J. Chark, Travis Etienne, Marvin Jones, Laviska Chenault and James Robinson mean T-Law has plenty of help, the Jags should have no problem moving the ball.  With that offense, and a soft schedule, I would have picked Jacksonville to win the Division, except I believe Meyer made a critical mistake, one that will cost several wins.  For some reason Urban chose fast-food gOOfball/nudist Joe Cullen to be DC, despite Cullen never having been a coordinator, and never having been relatively emotionally stable, either.  I'd love to know how in Hell Meyer came to hire this guy.  The way losing aggravates those killer cysts in Urban's coconut, I can't imagine he will tolerate too much from Cullen if/when Joe goes schizo. Could be a messy situation, real soon.  In any event, with Urban and Lawrence, Jacksonville should be one of the most entertaining teams to watch in 2021 (and Tim Tebow should already be cut by the time I get around to posting this).   

3. Indianapolis: The Colts are good every other year, and after stupidly trading for frail Arson Wentz, who, surprise! (not) got injured about 5 minutes after landing in Indy, this year isn't an other year.  The defense will crack after 5 or 6 games, and if they were in any other division I'd pick them for last, but look who sits just below: 

4. Houston: LOL! Where to begin? Deshaun Watson's angry cock? The horrible head coach hire, who then hired a horrible staff of relic assistants (Robert Prince, Pep Hamilton, Lovie Smith)? A stable of used car running backs? A defenseless defense that lost its face player, TJ Watt, which might actually turn out to be the only good thing that happened to the Texans, since Watt had become a prima donna who blamed everyone except his own declined self for the Texans feeble defense.  This weird old dude David Culley should win Coach of the Year if the Texans don't end up with the worst record in the League.  Hell, even if they are worst, but manage to win 4 games, that would still be a major accomplishment with this diseased roster and moldy coaching staff.   

AFC West

1. Kansas City: Tampa pushed around the Chiefs in the Super Bowl, in fact, the Bucs looked like the bully from the old Charles Atlas ad and Patty Mahomes looked like the 98 pound weakling with sand kicked in his face.  That kind of beat-down can have a lingering effect, turn the Chiefs into cowering victims who get jumpy at loud noises.  They already over-reacted, trashing their O-Line and bringing in a bunch of new *protection* for the skittish Mahomes.  The Chiefs also lost Sammy Watkins and Damien Williams, and suddenly they look a little thin at the skill positions, and Frank Clark, their only real tough guy on defense, has his machine gun problems.  Hopefully these stressors don't send Andy Reid rummaging around the medicine cabinet too much.  And as a public service, we remind anybody in the Fort Collins, CO area that Andy Reid has a son, Spencer, on the coaching staff at Colorado State, so be careful on the roads.   


2. Las Vegas
: If the Raiders were a little more stable, I'd pick them to dethrone the Chiefs.  For some reason they retooled their entire O-Line, if they didn't break it, Vegas should have an offense at least the equal to KC.  They got a great TE, good RB, under-rated Derek Carr at QB, and I expect Henry Ruggs will be much more of a factor this year.  The problem for the Raiders is they are mentally soft, they give away games, and the blame for that goes to the coaching.  Celebrity coach Jon Gruden brought in a new DC, Gus Bradley, to toughen up the defense, but. . .Bradley's one of those DCs, like Dan Quinn, who made his name running Pete Carroll's defense, he's never done anything on his own, so we are supposed to believe he can fix the Raiders? I'll believe it when I see it.  We can, though, give Bradley credit for one great comedy move: he brought in old-time Marine Rod Marinelli as defensive line coach, just as DE Carl Nassib stepped out of the gay closet. LOL! Him and Marinelli ought to be like something from a bad episode of Modern Family! We also wonder if Topps or Bottoms will issue Nassib's Rookie Gay card.

3. Denver: The Broncos should be a couple games better with Teddy Bridgewater at QB. Bridgewater is the quintessential *game manager* type QB, as opposed to Drew Lock, the quintessential *game mismanager* type QB.  In 2020, the Broncos were -16 in TO difference, dead last.  That shouldn't happen with safety-first Teddy under the center, assuming the fragile signal caller doesn't get blown onto IR by a gust of wind.  The Broncos have decent young talent at most position groups, but. . .you wonder if their ancient baltic amber encased coaching staff (Pat Shurmur, Mike Shula, Mike Munchak, Wade Harman, Ed Donatell, Bill Kollar, John Pagano!) can motivate the TikTok generation. 

4. Los Angeles: I think the Chargers made a terrible mistake shit-canning Anthony Lynn, who managed to win 7 games with a rookie QB and keep the team competitive in most others.  They replaced him with a Whiz Kid DC, Brandon Staley, who probably looked a lot more clever than he really is because he had Aaron Donald on his roster.  Worse, the Whiz Kid hired Joe Lombardi to be OC.  Lombardi failed miserably in his previous attempt at the job, under Jim Caldwell in Detroit. Kelly Stafford had his worst production with Lombardi, and I expect to see a BIG drop off in Justin Herbert's game this year.  

NFC East

1. Washington: Ron Rivera battled Haskins-Lymphoma cancer and still managed to win the Division last year.  Sure, they were only 7-9, but brother, look at the sorry-ass QBs they used.  7 wins with that garbage?  The trash QBs stank so bad, they make the ultimate journeyman back-up QB Ryan Fitzpatrick look like Trevor Lawrence and Pat Mahomes combined.  Fitzpatrick's crazy-ass QBing manages to just stay a little on the plus side, and with the WFT's defense, that should be just enough to once again win this feeble Division.  Curtis Samuel may turn out to be the best value FA signing, the guy should get the ball enough in DC to show off his skill set after having to be a second or third option in Carolina.


2. Dallas
: Just as Bill Belichick was exposed in NE without Tom Brady, so was Mike McCarthy in Dallas without Aaron Rodgers.  In fact, McCarthy was exposed even more, and that's an ugly sight, a morbidly obese guy with a dumb face, he could only win 6 games in the weakest division in League history.

Despite Prescott twisting his ankle a bit, and crying like that little naked Vietnamese napalm girl, the Cowboys still should have won the division, Andy Dalton was the best QB in that sack of shit division, but the Cowboys horrible defense and mental weakness sank them week after week.  The Cowboys ended up paying Prescott about $40 million a year. . .good luck with that!  That's a high-priced damaged goods crybaby.  Once these softies get a taste of IR, they come back to it again and again.  No way Weepy Dak plays all 16 games.  Ezekiel Elliott had a poor year, seeming to have about as much juice as Frank Gore and Adrian Peterson.  Maybe it was because of covid.  Or maybe he's just tired of football. The Cowboys defense will be better this year.  Not because they hired Dan Quinn to run it, but because they lucked out and got Micah Parsons with the #12 pick.  Parsons is a legit Top 3 guy, a difference maker who can ruin offenses.    

3. New York Giants: The Giants signed Kenny Golladay and drafted Kadarius Toney to help Daniel Jones.  Uh, it's not an indication you have a good QB when you have to go out and add new pieces, hoping they make the QB better.  It should be the other way, with the QB bettering those around him.  Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady made HoF careers throwing to low draft picks and cast-offs. Toney might help a bit, but Golladay was a malingerer in Detroit, and he'll hit the sidelines the first chance he gets.  The Giants added a lot to their offense, and hope Saquan Barkley makes a full recovery, but their defense took a couple hits, and they tried to plug one hole with another former Detroit malingerer, Danny Shelton.  This still looks like a pretty piss-poor team coached by a nut that fell from the Belichick coaching tree. Luckily they are in a sorry-ass division, and just like last year, they will probably be in the Division *race* all year even though they are a shit team.   

4. Philadelphia: Probably the worst team in the NFC.  Nobody knows who the Hell their coach is, but he better be the next Vince Lombardi, because he doesn't have much to work with: an aging defense and. . .Jalen Hurts! LOL!  Hurts is a Dollar Store Lamar Jackson, the Eagles wasted their first pick on DeVonta Smith, it's like buying a gold-plated toilet paper dispenser for an outhouse.  I mean, with Hurts, the best you can do is try to duplicate the Ravens run-heavy offense, Najee Harris would have been a better pick.  I got a feeling Eagles fans will boo Hurts off the field by week 6.  Well, who knows? Maybe the Joe Flacco-to-DeVonta-Smith connection will take off and lead the Eagles to a 5-12 record.  

NFC North

1. MyPillow: With Dalvin Cook, Justin Jefferson, Adam Thielen and a more hot than cold Kirk Cousins, the Vikings had a Super Bowl offense in 2020, but Mike Zimmer's defense fell apart, and the Vikings missed the playoffs by one game.  Assuming Danielle Hunter and Anthony Barr return to form after missing last season with injuries, and adding free agents Patrick Peterson and Dalvin Tomlinson, Minnesota's defense should be good enough to move the Vikes past the Packers. . .as long as Cousins doesn't regress into his pre-2020 CousINTs form (and there is the risk his stellar 2021 year was due to playing so many pressure-free games after the team's 1-5 start made the rest of season irrelevant). One other risk for the Vikings: they replaced retired OC Gary Kubiak with his son.  These nepotism hires in the League have a high fail rate, and Zimmer already has his own kid as co-DC.  [After I initially wrote this, the Vikings weird anti-vaxxer contigent emerged, to the degree the entire team is clouded with a Mike Lindell-ish stink, and now I view the Vikings as very risky pick for the top spot in this division, Hell, anybody could win it, even the Bears.  When Zimmer gave oddball anti-vaxxer Rick Dennison his job back after Dennison refused to take the jab, a poor *team second* example was set, which the Minnesota QBs quickly followed, with the result the Vikings opened training camp with all their QBs on the sideline in a covid protocol. . .and Cousins still won't get the kill shot, thus making the Vikings a week-to-week QB disaster risk.]   

2. Green Bay: MeMe Rodgers *Farewell, Green Bay!* prima donna reality show was about as real as his sexual relationship with Shailene Woodley.  All it took to end the farce was for the Fudge Packers to bring back MeMe's favorite shower buddy, Randall Cobb.  Rodgers is a good QB, without question.  He's won a shitload of games for GB, and no doubt they'll win more than a few this year, but. . .I can't help thinking at least a small corner of the Packer locker-room is a little irritated with MeMe's Me-First antics. . .and it probably wouldn't take much of an incident or on-field misfortune for a locker room divide to occur.  To make matters worse, the Packers fired their adequate DC Mike Pettine and replaced him with the colossally inept Joe Barry, Rod Marinelli's son-in-law and architect of the 2008 0-16 Detroit Lions shit-ass defense.  For some reason he was given another chance, and he failed just as miserably with the Redskins in 2016. The Packers defense will be worse. 

3. Detroit: The best bet of the entire NFL Season: taking the over on the Lions at 5.5 wins.  Are you kidding me?  They won 5 games last year under one of the worst head coaches in League history, the morbidly obese, grossly unkempt Matt Patricia, whose players openly cheered his firing.  Plus they get one extra game this year to improve upon those 5 wins.  They have an extremely player friendly-new coaching staff led by the quixotic Dan Campbell and a host of other former NFL players such as Anthony Lynn, Aaron Glenn, Antwaan Randle El, Mark Brunell, Duce Staley, etc.  But. . .Kelly Stafford! exclaim the skeptics.  How can the Lions possibly win a game without Kelly!  And they are replacing him with. . .Jared gOOf?  Because of the whim of the emotionally unstable Sean McVay, all of a sudden Kelly Stafford is a Hall of Fame great, and gOOf is a bum.  I'm not buying it.  There is almost no statistical difference between Kelly Stafford and gOOf. . .other than gOOf has actually won a handful of Big Games.  In addition to the new coaching staff, the Lions actually improved their defensive line, and brought in a coach, Aubrey Pleasant, who should be able to get something out of 2020 #3 draft pick Jeff Okudah.  If the Lions can't go 6-11 I'll send Matt Patricia two dozen Krispy Kremes. . .

4. ChicagoAfter seeming to try to trade for every other team’s starter, the Bears once again sent a bunch of future picks to move up on draft day to get their latest franchise QB. This time it’s Justin Fields, and while the guy does have some skills, and certainly a better track record than Trey Lance (not to mention Mitch Falsebisky), and actually got the better of Trevor Lawrence in the CFP last year, he still seems like a *college QB,* he really struggled against Indiana’s blitzes and Northwestern’s NFL scheme. My bet is: in a couple years Bears fans are gonna be shaking their heads saying we could have had Mac Jones (or even Kyle Trask or Davis Mills). The rest of the Bears offense is adequate, with a decent runner in David Montgomery and a decent receiver in Allen Robinson. The defense still has some punch, but it’s starting to age and they didn’t create turnovers last year like they usually do. This team needs to hit BIG on Fields, but I don’t like their chances. Something about the guy don’t set well, the shady way he left Georgia, with his *race fear,* the way he reacts to big hits, I think he wanted out of the Clemson game but Ryan Day said fuck you, you’re staying in. His performance was significantly less against Alabama when he had a week to brood on his injury.
I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. . .but I don’t think so. The Bears could be crap for years to come.

NFC South

1. Tampa Bay: The Bucs looked like a fringe playoff team for most of the season, then got progressively better their last 8 games, culminating in a epic beat-down of pretty boy Pat Mahomes in the Super Bowl.  Now the entire starting lineup on both sides of the ball is back, and they don't have a weak link, anywhere.  The biggest threat to the Bucs repeating as Champ is Father Time, as a lot of their key players are on their last legs (Brady, Brown, Gronk, Suh, Pierre-Paul, David), and Mike Evans is looking increasingly frail.  Is a 17 game schedule too much for the Tampa senior class?     

2. New Orleans: Drew Brees retired, and that might make the Saints a better team, as Brees could barely get the ball twenty yards downfield by the end of the season.  If Sean Payton had had the guts to bench Drew Brees against Tampa in the Divisional Round Playoff Game last year, the Saints probably would have won.  Brees was horrible, going out with a bunch of girly throws and three INTs.  So now it's Taysom Hill, a *college QB,* or Rapist Winston, who throws as many INTs as TDs.  My guess is, Payton will think he can turn Winston into an All-Pro, then after 6 or 7 up-and-down weeks, will turn to Hill to salvage a playoff spot.  The Saints roster isn't quite as good as last year, when they were better than Tampa.  They're thin at WR, lost their sack leader and a bit of depth on defense.  Though they still have one of the best offensive lines and good RBs, they are now clearly a cut below Tampa, but still probably a playoff team. 

3. Atlanta: The schedule is favorable, as the Falcons get to play all the NFC East sissies, so they should win more than the four games they did last year, but. . .not much more.  They are thin as shit at running back, the O-Line is questionable, and Matt Ryan is another year older.  Of course, Atlanta passed on a QB and decided to get some help for Ryan, picking TE Kyle Pitts #4 overall.  Pitts is one of these *generational* talents, or so they say.  It seems to me Pitts had more injuries than big plays at Florida, but what do I know? The defense played a little harder under interim coach Raheem Morris last year, but you wonder if they will slip back out of resentment Morris wasn't given the permanent job.  The new coach is FedEx heiress Arthur Smith, who is probably the only coach in the League worth more than his team's star players.  It's hard to imagine a Little Lord Fauntleroy silver spoon like Smith motivating an NFL roster, especially the defensive side.  Maybe he can talk concepts with a nice fellow like Matt Ryan and coax a comeback year out of him, like he did with nice Ryan Tannehill down in Tennessee, but I have a feeling most of the Falcons are going to tune out Arthur pretty quick.

4. Carolina: I don't get how Sam Darnold is supposed to be an upgrade over Teddy Bridgewater.  They're pretty much the same thing: small, weak arm. . .though Darnold does have two legs and a white face.  Carolina's star player is the frequently injured Christian McCaffrey.  The Panthers have a decent set of receivers. The defense is average.  They had a ton of draft picks, but the best players they selected were at positions they didn't need any help (WR, RB).  This looks like a last place team. 

NFC West

1. Seattle: The Seahawks used to be a shut-down defense/power run team.  They don't have that kind of personnel, anymore, but Pete Carroll keeps winning, now with a pass-first offense highlighted by premier receivers and deep ball thrower Russell Wilson, which offsets a now mediocre defense.  Carroll is under-rated, one of the All-Time Greats, a Big Winner in both college and the NFL, in the same class as Jimmy Johnson (and, to a lesser degree, Barry Switzer).  Wilson threw a mini-Aaron Rodgers tantrum in the off-season, making some noise about wanting to be traded, but he quieted down pretty quick when it looked like only the Bears would make a serious offer for him.  Seattle only had a couple low draft picks and didn't do much in the free agent market, so it's the same crew again, while their main competitors in the division, the Rams and 49ers made a lot of changes.  LA and SF have coaches the Media consider *geniuses.*  You can have the geniuses, I'll take the Coach.


2. Los Angeles
: So, Sean McVay believed all the press clippings (which he personally clips and organizes himself in a 3-ring binder) stating he's the greatest offensive innovator in football since Sid Gillman, but when his offense was humbled by the Patriots in the Super Bowl, and therefore his ego was also humbled, McVay looked around for a scapegoat onto whom he could cast his failings, and retain his own high opinion of himself: it's all Jared gOOf's fault!  He's too limited to take advantage of my genius!  McVay pretends: if I just had a proper QB, nobody could stop me!  Out of the blue, I guess because he heard Kelly wanted out of Detroit, McVay convinces himself Kelly Stafford is the answer, and because a fair portion of Media still buy into the McVay-as-genius nonsense, presto! Kelly Stafford all of a sudden is Top Tier, instead of a shopworn QB who failed in every (few in number) Big Game.  McVay thinks: it was the Lions fault Stafford never won, with my infallible system (well, almost infallible, if there are no gOOfs), Stafford will be Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady combined into 1.  OK.  Kelly Stafford never had to start a single football game in 12 years in Detroit with the expectation the Lions would ever be good.  And now Kelly has to deliver a Super Bowl.  A Super Bowl win.  McVay already proved he can lose a Super Bowl, he got Kelly Stafford for one reason, to win a Super Bowl.  Maybe Kelly will rise to the occasion.  Maybe it really was all because of Detroit.  OK, but what will McVay's excuse be when Kelly throws a soft pick-6 to Nick Bosa because he couldn't calculate the amount of arc to get the ball over Bosa's arms? The Rams might have other problems, as well.  Massive turnover of coaching staff, particularly on the defensive side.  And their receivers really aren't anything special.  And their running back is already out for the year.  They still have Aaron Donald, Leonard Floyd and Jalen Ramsey, so they should still make the playoffs on their defense alone.  And that's when we'll really see how much of the Detroit stink the genius McVay can wash out of Kelly Stafford's system.  Cuz that'll be McVay's next excuse if the Rams don't win the Super Bowl this year: I need one more year to finish cleansing Kelly of Detroit-itis.  

3. San Francisco: Another odd QB scenario.  Jimmy Crappolo is 24-8 as a starter.  Kyle Shanahan, another offensive *genius* coach, has a 31-36 record. . .but the QB is the problem.  LOL! These geniuses need to look in the mirror.  For some reason, the genius Shanahan decided 24-8 wasn't good enough, he needed a fresh QB.  Dumb.  Even dumber is he traded up to get a QB who played 1 mediocre game of small time college football in 2020.  I mean, if you want a QB like Trey Lance, the supposed *dual threat,* why not take the better version, Justin Fields, who played big boy college ball and beat Trevor Lawrence in a big boy game?  Makes no sense.  Taking Fields wouldn't have made any sense, either, if Shanahan wanted a QB that bad, just take the guy he gaslighted everybody into thinking he wanted, Mac Jones, but no, Shanahan fell madly in love with one of these Workout Wonder Boys, guys who run around in shorts in little domed practice fields playing 1-on-zero fantasy football.  That's how you evaluate QBs?  Instead of watching the tape of his 15 for 30 performance against Central Arkansas? Good luck.  But the 49ers should still have a powerhouse run game, and get a ton of injured defensive starters back, so they have a lot of pieces for a successful season, if Shanahan can resist the temptation to prove his genius by rushing Lance into the starter's job.  

4. Arizona: An odd roster: old beat-up receiver (AJ Green), no running backs, rookie beat-up receiver (Rondale Moore), one trick pony QB, old beat-up DE (JJ What??), all coached by a fad.  This thing could implode. 

Top 5 Rookie QBs

1. Trevor Lawrence   2. Zach Wilson   3. Mac Jones   4. Justin Fields   5. Shane Buechele

Top 5 Veteran QBs

1. Tom Brady   2. MeMe Rodgers   3. Patrick Mahomes II   4. Josh Allen   5. Russell Wilson

Top 5 They Ain't All That

1. Lamar Jackson   2. Kyler Murray   3. Patrick Mahomes II   4. Kelly Stafford   5. Dak Prescott

Top 5 Fifth Round Or Later Draft Picks

1. Jamar Johnson (Denver)   2. Daelin Hayes (Baltimore)   3. Sam Ehlinger (Indianapolis)   4. Daviyon Nixon (Carolina)   5. Dax Milne (Washington)

Top 5 Coaches

1. Pete Carroll   2. Sean Payton   3. Andy Reid   4. John Harbaugh   5. Sean McDermott

Top 5 They Ain't All That Coaches

1. Bill Belichick   2. Mike McCarthy   3. Kyle Shanahan   4. Sean McVay   5. Jon Gruden

First Coach To Be Fired

Kliff Kingsbury

Second Coach To Be Fired

Matt Nagy

They'll Be On IR Before Halloween

1. Kelly Stafford   2. Tuna Gagvoila!   3. Ben Roethlisberger   4. Kyle Pitts   5. Kenny Golladay

Top 5 MVP Longshots

1. Derek Carr   2. Joe Burrow   3. Jameis Winston   4. Ryan Fitzpatrick   5. J.K. Dobbins

Comeback Player Of The Year

Joe Flacco

Top 5 LOL! Player Of The Year

1. Jalen Hurts   2. Arson Wentz   3. Daniel Jones   4. Sam Darnold   5. Dwayne Haskins

They Will Sign Josh Gordon

Los Angeles Rams, as Sean McVay gets Kelly Stafford the help she needs to run his genius system

24 July 2021

The 100th Sheep

Freed by time from the tribulation of the world, and now watching from a distance as the others flounder, it has become crystal clear one cannot understand Life, the Truth of Life, unless one has received the Gospel of Jesus. . .

Attempting to live without having received the Gospel of Jesus leads to frustration, disappointment, anger, madness, depression, etc. and causes one to seek escape in the ultimately unhealthy pursuits of intoxicants (chemical, psychological and biological).

It is true those favored by Chance or Hell can be distracted by delicious living, and never sink into the mire of misery, but. . .at the instant of death they receive the unimaginable shock of the rich man described in Luke 16.  Yet this is a small, small number of people. The overwhelming majority, the nameless, faceless mass, live disordered unfulfilled lives of varying degrees of despair.

Jesus is the Source of Life, the Code to Life, what the great disciple John termed The Word Made Flesh. . .

If this is True, as I believe it to be, then it is understandable why life is misery. If one does not have the Gospel, if one does not have the Code to Life, if one is cut off from The Word Made Flesh, than one can only live a contrary existence: one lives a life it created, not the Life it was created for.

But there are those who have received the Gospel who also live a contrary, miserable existence. How is this explained?

Original sin.

Adam and Eve were told how to live, had the Code of Life, but chose their own way.

All who came after repeat the sin.

If one were to ask, how/why were Adam and Eve allowed to chose their own way (and all the other related questions) and then be punished for it, it can only be said these answers are unknown, and ask another question: what does it matter? It is what it is, for whatever reason, so we must accept it.

The Word Became Flesh. The Source of Life became our flesh, and personally showed us how to live: by obeying the Creator's will, and not, as Adam and Eve and all the rest of us, our own will (and whether or not we even have our own will is debatable, but we live as if we do).

The world one sees is the result of people living as they want to live.

Jesus lived as the Creator wanted Him to live, as a servant. Poor. Persecuted.

But He lived a life that had meaning.

He was not depressed.

And The Word Made Flesh told those that would follow Him, follow His pattern of living, they too would have tribulation, but to *be of good cheer,* as He had overcome the world.

I see now, as life passes me by, as the world has milked what it can from me, which I allowed by choosing what I believed to be *my will,* I see now the only path of peace, the only path free from the mental agitation of the world, is to live after the fashion of Christ, in complete opposition to the way of the world.

How did Christ live?

In opposition to His government.

In opposition to His church.

In opposition to His *family.*

In opposition to wealth.

In opposition to Satan.

He did not seek a good job, a nice house, a trophy wife. 

(In fact, there is no evidence Jesus ever *worked.*  There is one reference to someone asking if Jesus was the carpenter, or the carpenter's son. Jesus never told any work anecdotes, and had He indeed labored for years as a carpenter as some Christians believe, it seems likely relics would have survived, no? Or, even more likely, been fabricated. "That Messiah fellow they hung on a cross made this chair, how much will you give me for it?"  No evidence Jesus ever *worked* in the fashion known and experienced by the nameless, faceless mass).

Jesus did not seek the world's material treasure.

Jesus sought the Treasure of Heaven, His Father's approval.

One wonders if there are any on Earth of whom Jesus will say: well done, thou good and faithful servant. . .

The Western world certainly follows an anti-Christ pattern, almost from birth:

Do good in school so you can procure a high-paying job and accumulate material that you want protected from others. . .

A selfish life. . .

The sheeple excuse themselves: they earned their material, so they are entitled to it, deserve it. They do not acknowledge their material chain is made of links of exploitation, whether of raw material belonging to others or the labor of others. If a sheeple makes a million dollars a year and buys a thousand dollar pair of sneakers stitched by slave labor, the sheeple says, I earned my salary, and bought the shoes, and has no guilt. He may well go to a church on Sunday and take communion, but. . .is Jesus with him?

It’s easier to be in the world’s flock of sheep than Jesus' flock.  There is more company in the world. More ‘friends.’ They will also live selfishly, and confirm that the anti-Christ lifestyle is *normal.*

It is not easy to follow Christ. It is not a matter of saying a sentence or two from Romans 10 every Sunday. Jesus said come, follow Me. He didn’t say stay where you are and say nice things about Me. He said live like He lived. Live contrary to family, church, government. Most people don’t have the stomach for that. I didn't. I didn't when it mattered.

To live the way the world lives is to *take thought for the morrow.* The course we are set on almost from birth, school, job, material motivation, is based on selfish thought for the morrow. There is no genuine concern for others. If there were, there would be no sanctioned violence. Donating a blanket to a flood victim is not concern for others if you believe there is a human enemy, it is a vanity.

Jesus said *take no thought for the morrow.* I don't know any self-proclaimed Christians who lives this way. I couldn't.

We settle for the comfortable discomfort of the world, we will self-medicate our fear and depression. The devil you know is better than the Christ you don’t know. And this is how most self-proclaimed Christians live.

Christianity appears in America.  The most visible of it honors Jesus with their lips, but their hearts are far from Him.  They are as worldly as the religious authority of Jesus' day, and sacrifice Jesus for the good of the nation, also.  With their mad doctrines they present another Jesus to the infidels, which the infidels reject, and, worse, which inhibits any curiosity into the True Jesus.  Thus, the visible church is the servant of Satan, and Jesus would say to the visible church in America: get thee behind Me, Satan.

That they present an unrepentant reprobate as a national savior exposes their shameless wickedness.  

But, as Jesus said of the visible church of His day, let them alone.  If the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.

Most of life wasted, the gospel neglected.  The world overcomes us.  But be of good cheer, Jesus has overcome the world.

For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost. How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray? And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray. Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.

To be the 100th sheep!  Nothing else matters!

It sometimes seems we are the 100th sheep daily, yet Jesus never tires of leading us back into the fold. . .

06 April 2021

The Sculpture

This Italian art film from the bottom of the Tubi barrel is laugh out loud bad. I mean, laugh out loud Ed Wood bad. In fact, it actually kinda reminds me of an Ed Wood film, Glen or Glenda, as both feature main characters who become involved in transvestism.

The Sculpture's threadbare plot concerns a solitary sculptor who desires the ascetic spiritual life above all. . .but not quite to the point yet where is he willing to give up his comfortable rented country estate. . .which creates a big problem for him. . .because he’s months behind on the rent. Yup, he’s a poor starving greaseball artist. And he is constantly badgered by the landlord(?) (Maybe it’s the landlord, or maybe it’s some dude who just loves to taunt broke artists, it’s never clear from the script who the guy is). We see the sculptor working on the same little section of one sculpture over and over and over again, take threatening calls from the landlord/bully and in-home visits from the landlord/bully’s effeminate lackey who gently asks for money while making his desire to butt fuck the sculptor quite obvious, and practicing yoga—that’s about the first third of the film, shot in second rate de Chirico-vision (motionless, flat spaces in bright sunshine or interior light). Then, for some reason, a high end escort rents a room in the same estate as the sculptor. The escort, who has man hands and a nose as big as a door stop, wanders around the estate in her lingerie while lamenting the hollowness of her sex trade lifestyle. Eventually she and the sculptor become acquainted and discover each has something to teach the other: the sculptor can teach the escort all about yoga and the other spiritual shit she’s been seeking, and the escort
 can teach the sculptor how to become a transvestite prostitute so he can earn rent money.

The Sculpture offers plenty of mostly non-full-frontal nudity and the most lethargic sodomies ever filmed.
















There’s very little dialogue. It’s mostly monotone voice-overs from the sculptor and the escort, droning on about their personal philosophies. Here’s a representative sample from each:

SCULPTOR: My statues are white, and do not have eyes to see. Sometimes I look at the world and decolorize it in fantasy. I imagine it faded or very desaturated. Sometimes I think of blood flowing, but I like to imagine it as clear as the water of a stream.

ESCORT: Always use a condom. Even when they only ask you for fellatio.


Oh, I almost forgot, here are the spoilers:

The sculptor dresses like a cheap whore and gets cornholed a couple times, then gets murdered by some homophobes. This makes the escort sad. The End.