20 October 2021

2021 College Football Week 8, NFL Week 7

Week 7 College RecapVerified: Dan Mullen, shit-ass coach and most over-rated coach in college football. Ed Orgeron seems almost happy he’s shit-canned. Maybe he just wants to fornicate full-time with any wet-hole who will have him. Football was getting in the way of his second childhood. Cutty Sark and the Longhorns fell off the wagon, again. How much are they paying this guy to have a fourth or fifth place team in a shit-ass league? I bet Cutty never coaches Texas in an SEC game. Ole Miss-Tennessee: LOL! Karma for Volunteer fans: Sleepy Joe Milton.

College Picks Week 8 (28-22-1 vs the spread for the season):

Washington -18 @ Arizona: No team coached by Jimmy Lake is ever a legit 18 point favorite.  Arizona

Oklahoma -38.5 @ Kansas: Fuck Lincoln Riley and his pussy-ass Oklahoma team.  Notre Dame is more real than these non-binaries.  Kansas.

Northwestern +23.5 @ Michigan: Seems a little lite, to me.  Northwestern has been shit-ass most of the year, and are the only team in existence that can't keep Nebraska to a one-score game, as somehow they managed to lose to the Cornholers by 49!!  Michigan.

Illinois +23.5 @ Penn State: I'm basing this on the assumption that even if Sean Clifford can play, James Franklin isn't dumb enough to risk getting him so badly hurt he can't play in the real game next week against Ohio State.  He can beat Illinois by 17 just running the ball 55 times
Illinois.

Oregon +2 @ UCLA: Both teams have poor QBs, and I believe Mario Crystalball is an over-rated coach who knows how to assemble a top flight recruiting staff, and Chip Kelly is a poor recruiter and an eccentric coach.  I'm surprised Oregon is getting points, considering how badly UCLA shit itself in its only other big conference game this year, getting smoked by Herm Edwards and Arizona State.  No outcome in this oddball game in a shit-ass conference would really surprise me, though.  I'll pick the Ducks just because they are getting a couple points.  Oregon.

Clemson +3 @ Pittsburgh: Who would have thought before the year started Pitt would be the favorite in this game?  Yeah, they've won some games and scored a ton of points. . .but remember, they lost to Western Michigan.  I can't believe they are actually capable of beating Clemson.  Yeah, I know, Clemson barely beat Syracuse.  They still got 25 players better than Pitt's best player. Clemson.

LSU +9 @ Mississippi
: Ed Orgeron will probably spend most of the game by the stands yelling who's going home with me tonight?  This is way too many points to give LSU.  LSU.

Tennessee +25.5 @ Menstrual Tide: If Joe Milton has to start for Tennessee, Alabama will cover by half-time.  Menstrual Tide.

Ohio State -20 @ Indiana: LOL!  OSU will be up 21 by the end of the first quarter.  Bet the house on this one.  Ohio State.


Week 6 NFL Recap: Cleveland Browns, WTF!?!? Get yer shit together! Good for Urban Meyer. Brian Flores: LOL! All these shit-ass Belichick assistants try to look hard on the sideline, and yet their teams play like candy-asses. Flores and Joe Judge are the worst. They should be forced to make a snuff film with Matt Patricia. Titans are the worst 4-2 team. Please, Derrick Henry, don’t drag that shit-ass defense into the playoffs, again.

NFL Picks Week 7 (23-30-1 vs the spread for the season):

Denver +3.5 @ Cleveland: Both these teams are on life support.  The fucking Browns look like a team with no heart.  Broncos are the victims of probably the League's worst coaching staff, a bunch of Dick Vermeil-era retreads who think analytics are a category in the old video store behind the curtain gay section. Case Keenum probably starts for the Browns.  Might be a good thing.  Maybe they will just run the fuck out of Nick Chubb, which should be enough to beat the Broncos.  Cleveland.

Cincinnati +6 @ Baltimore: Ja'Marr Chase is clearly the Rookie of the Year, so far, and John Harbaugh is Coach of the Year, so far.  Ravens win, but don't cover.  Cincinnati.

Detroit +15! @ Los Angeles Rams
: Here it is, the Nightmare for Lions fans.  Princess Kelly Stafford and boyfriend Sean McVay vs pumpkin Jared gOOf and the only win-less team in the League, Your Detroit Lions.  3 fucking hours of the broadcasters (please, no Gus Johnson!) praising Princess Kelly and McVay while lamenting the 12 awful years Princess Kelly was locked in the Detroit dungeon.  If there is a Just Football God who pities the downtrodden, Michael Brockers will sack Princess Kelly and break her collarbone, and Jared gOOf will recover his own fumble in the endzone for the game-winning Lions TD.  Detroit.  

Houston +17.5!! @ Arizona: The Texans have been slaughtered the last two times they played on the road, getting out-scored 71-3.  Now they face the only undefeated team?  This is still the NFL, though.  The Jets were a 17 point underdog at the Rams last year, and won. . .oh, yeah. . .Jared gOOf was the Rams QB, then.  OK.  But still. . .  Houston.

13 October 2021

2021 College Football Week 7, NFL Week 6

Week 6 College Recap: Some outstanding games last week.  Did not see A&M's win over the Menstrual Tide coming.  A&M had not done a thing all year.  Alabama still has a roster of 4 and 5 star recruits, top roster in the game. . .but. . .this season's 5 stars are not the same as previous.  There is no Jeudy, Waddle, Ruggs, Smith. . .not even a Najee Harris.  This Alabama team cannot score at will, and thus are made vulnerable by their declined defense.  Alabama used to play defense like Georgia plays defense.  Now they are a Penn State or Iowa level defense.  A good defense, but not one that can shut down even an above average offense for 60 minutes.  Oklahoma and Texas played an entertaining game of flag football, and Lincoln Riley, the most over-rated coach, must be saluted for benching Spencer Rattler.  Not many coaches would sit a prima donna QB that quick.  Unfortunately for the rest of us, Oklahoma will now once again get into the Playoff and promptly give up 45+ points.  Scott Frost had to fight back the tears after Nebrasska once again fumbled away an opportunity for the so-called *signature* win.  After the game he blamed the zebras and talked about his 3-4 team as if they had just won a championship. Penn State's back-up QB was given the game ball by Iowa. . .ba-dum-tish! For real, though, rough game for the kid.  You don't want to be a black QB and play bad for that part of Pennsylvania.  Kentucky probably made Ed Orgeron a Dead Man Walking. 

College Picks Week 7 (25-21-1 vs the spread for the season):

Oklahoma State +5.5 @ Texas: Cutty Sark's Longhorns got the DTs against Oklahoma, their defense too busy clawing at the imaginary insects on their arms to tackle the ball carrier on the last play.  That was a drunk's loss, all the way.  Self-inflicted.  They are going for their 1 week chip against OK St, but I bet they fall off the wagon, again.  Oklahoma State.  

Florida -10 @ LSU: LOL! The Two Shitty Coaches Bowl!  I mean, LSU is begging Florida to kick its ass, but Dan Mullen will fuck it up, like he always does.  This is probably the only good team (on paper) Orgeron can still beat.  LSU.

Kentucky +23.5 @ Georgia: I know Georgia is a monster this year. . .but this seems like a lot of points. . .Georgia only beat them by 11 last year.  Kentucky.

Alabama -17 @ Mississippi State: Too many points for a non-vintage Menstrual Tide team against a Mike Leach team.  Mississippi State.


Week 5 NFL Recap: LOL!  Once again, more news was made off the field.  Last week it was Urban Meyer's finger in Cayman Nebraska's anus, this week it's Jon Gruden's eleven years old  n gger lips email!  The League is littered with thugs and rapists of all colors and preferences, yet Gruden isn't welcome because of some crude personal emails??  I mean, Lions fans had to endure 3 dark years of Matt Patricia football even though he raped a girl in college!  There was barely a peep made about that, but Gruden is out for email??  An absurd *policy.*  Anyways. . .on the field the Browns once again closed small, showing they are still not quite ready to take the final step to team greatness. . .they got 12 more games to get this shit right and make the Super Bowl, otherwise they just wasted the best roster in football.  The Seahawks look dead in the water at 2-3 and Russell Wilson out for at least 4 games.  Dan Campbell cried after the Lions latest WTF?!?! loss.  Hayley Mills probably had the best game of any rookie QB this year. . .but the Texans faded badly and blew a winnable game against New England. . .man, we almost had Dana Scully beating Belichick!  As it is, it took a ridiculous 3rd and 18 roughing the passer call to save the Pats.  They are a horseshit team still getting treated by the zebras like they are a Glamour Team.  I gotta admit, crybaby Dak Prescott and the Cowboys offense looks pretty damn good.  Kellen Moore will be a HC next year, probably have his pick of jobs.  Lamar Jackson passed the Ravens to a huge comeback win??  Never thought I would see that.  Good for him and his ugly mug.

NFL Picks Week 6 (21-26-1 vs the spread for the season):


Miami -3.5 vs Jacksonville
: What a dog of a game for London.  The only action will be off the field, with Shelley Meyer hitting the East End looking for a tart to bring back to her hotel room for her and Urban to play with.  I actually believe Jacksonville is the better team.  They can run the ball, and Girl Hair Lawrence is cutting down on his INTs.  Jacksonville.

Green Bay -4.5 @ Chicago: The Bears defense played a helluva game against the Raiders.  The Packers are once again a mediocre team with a great QB and a fake SB contender won-loss record.  Packers win because of MeMe Rodgers.  Green Bay

Cincinnati -3.5 @ Detroit: Based on nothing other than cosmic sentimentality, I predict the Lions are fated to win this Sunday in order to restore serenity to Dan Campbell's tortured soul.  Detroit

Los Angeles Chargers +3 @ Baltimore: The Chargers have surprised me the most of any team.  The Ravens are 4-1 not on talent, but on character.  Interesting game.  Los Angeles Chargers.

Arizona +3 @ Cleveland: Time for the Arizona bubble to burst.  Cleveland.

Las Vegas +3.5 @ Denver: Both teams started 3-0 and are now on 2 game losing streaks.  The supposedly tough Denver defense flopped against a shit-ass Steeler offense.  The Raiders have the perfect excuse to lay down and die.  Denver

06 October 2021

2021 College Football Week 6, NFL Week 5















Week 5 College Recap: Lane Kiffen laid a pretty big egg, after acting like a douche bag in the pregame interview with the CBS sideline sex robot. Now that Jim Harbaugh had to take a 50% pay cut, it's pretty clear Jimbo Fisher is the most over-paid coach in college football. Mike Leach beat him on his home field with a shit-ass team. Mike Gundy is quietly doing a good job this year. He'd been kinda laughed at the last couple years, but the guy wins games in a state where he will always be second fiddle. He's a gOOfball who often puts his foot in his mouth, a Jesus-less Dabo Swinney, but I think an under-rated coach. Everything was set for Chip Kelly to win big this year in the Pac-12, it's a shit-ass conference with no good teams, and he had a veteran roster, but he's only 3-2. Unless he finds a hidden gem QB under a rock somewhere, he'll never duplicate the success he had at Oregon. He's a has-been. And so is Ed Orgeron. C'mon, that roster is loaded with more players than anybody except Alabama and Ohio State, and they been mediocre ever since his title team coordinators left. The worst Power 5 head coach might be the Jimmy Lake clown at Washington. Weird guy. He smirks on the sideline while his team is getting its ass handed to it. They were Top 15 preseason and supposed to be there with Oregon in the Pac-12, but they are playing shit-ass ball, wasting a defense loaded with NFL prospects. The Playoff is just about set. Alabama, Georgia and Cincinnati are in. The last spot is Oklahoma's if they run the table. However, if they lose one game, and I think they will, I think Texas knocks them off, then there are several teams still alive, but I would bet my money right now on Ohio State, with Penn State a close second (if they beat Iowa). Iowa, even if they beat Penn State, I just don't think they have the offense to run the table, as great as their defense is, somebody is gonna score at least 21 on them, and their offense will shit the bed. The only way an ACC or Pac-12 team make the playoff is if the B1G West champ pulls a massive upset over Ohio State or Penn State.

College Picks Week 6 (22-19-1 vs the spread for the season):

Texas +3.5 vs Oklahoma: A Texas win opens up the last spot in the Playoff.  I should probably pick Oklahoma, this looks like the week Cutty Sark's idiotic decision to dump Hudson Card after 1 1/2 games for the less talented Casey Thompson will come back to bite him in the ass. . .but. . .Lincoln Riley is a lousy coach, and Cutty will coach rings around him and find some way to beat Alex Grinch's defense.  I'll bet against them next week against Oklahoma State.  Texas.

Arkansas +6 @ Mississippi: The Hangover Bowl.  Both teams got hammered by the Big Boys (the Menstrual Tide and Georgia) last week.  Lane Kiffen seems more like the type to pout all week than Sam Pittman, so I'll take: Arkansas.

Georgia -14.5 @ Auburn: It's hard to get a good read on Auburn.  They've played a weird mix of teams, Penn State, LSU, Georgia State, with varying results.  If Georgia has to play the comical Stetson Bennett at QB, I suppose Auburn's defense could hold up enough to gain a 14 point loss, after all their defense is probably not much less talented than Clemson's, and Clemson managed to hang in all game.  Georgia's looked like a beast so far, though.  Their defense gives up nothing.  I just can't see Auburn losing by less than 20.  Georgia.

Penn State +2 @ Iowa: I really don't think either of these teams is Top 4 material, although it does seem this year that there are only really 2 elite teams, Georgia and Alabama, so maybe this really is a big game.  Both QBs run hot and cold, in particular the Iowa QB.  The PSU QB can be a factor running, he runs like a fullback.  Iowa's defense has been under-appreciated for years.  They rarely make a mistake and allow EZ yards.  Points will be at a premium in this game, so I'll take the the team getting the points, especially since they will have the best player on the field, Jahan Dotson, one big play from him, maybe on a punt return, could make the difference.  Penn State.

Michigan -3.5 @ Nebrasska: The Hot Seat Coaches Bowl.  Probably the biggest game of their careers at their current schools for Scott Frost and Jim Harbaugh.  Both are former glamour boy QBs come back to restore glory to the old alma mater. . .but the results have been disappointing, to say the least.  Michigan is 5-0 and looking much better than the abysmal 2020 team, which played so soft and so uninspired, it cost Jim Harbaugh a $4 million pay cut to keep his job.  If Harbaugh can win this and the Michigan State game, he will have probably done enough to buy a free pass for the Penn State and Ohio State games, especially as he seems to have a plan to groom JJ McCarthy for a big 2022 season, in which Michigan has an easier schedule than this year.  Scott Frost has done even less, stringing together 3 straight losing seasons of shit-ass football.  Nebrasska's 3-3, but should be 5-1, they kicked away games against Illinois and Michigan State, which makes this one so important.  He needs to win a game against a team that at least looks good on paper, and he would get to 4-3 with two easy games coming up, before a brutal end to the season with Ohio State, Wisconsin and Iowa.  If he loses to Michigan, a fourth straight losing season looms.  I doubt he would be fired, but there would be little momentum heading into his crucial 5th year, a year in which he will have a much younger team and have to break in a new QB.  He needs this winning season to buy off a rough 2022 and keep himself from lame duck status.  The key to the game, as most Nebrasska games, is will Adrian Martinez and the special teams avoid the stupid mistakes which have cost them so many games.  They are coming off their most complete performance of the Frost era, granted it was against shit-ass Northwestern. . .but is it really asking too much of Nebrasska to play two clean games in a row?  Plus, I just don't think it is in the cards for Jim Harbaugh at Michigan, I haven't ever since that 4th down OT spot in the 2016 Ohio State game.  I think his reluctance to put too much on McCarthy this year hurts him big time in this game, as Cade McNamara will toss a couple horrible INTs.  Nebrasska.

Week 4 NFL Recap: Urban Meyer *sickened* by loss to Cincinnati, doesn't fly home with team. Video surfaces of Meyer on a bar stool with a young blonde named Cayman Nebraska twerking her ass against his cock (we don't know if his cock was erect or flaccid). Second video surfaces, this one showing Meyer fingering blonde's anus/cunt, thus leading one to believe Meyer's cock was probably erect in video #1. Meyer apologizes to players and owner for being a distraction, to wife for being a man. Paki Jaguars owner scolds Meyer in public statement.  Meyer reportedly a laughingstock to his players.  Trevor Lawrence thinking, man, college ball did nothing to prepare me for this shit.  All this scandal is due to the modern stocks of Social Media.  In the electronic age of the All-Seeing iPhone Camera, everyone will be shamed for 15 minutes.  What amusement Meyer has provided Social Media!  The NFL continues to make more news off the field.  The Meyer *scandal* dwarfs Brady's Homecoming.  Anyway, it seems most *experts* believe Meyer will fail in the NFL.  I still believe he can win, but only if he is truly still coaching.  There is some evidence now to suspect he is just mailing it in just to cash a big paycheck from his Paki owner.  The Paki owner may have suspected he had been fleeced, prompting him to issue the scolding public statement over a trivial incident as the first step to getting out of a ridiculous contract for a coach who no longer lives and dies with the game.  We'll see.  MVP Kelly Stafford and boyfriend Genius Coach Sean McVay lost a game???  Sports Media told us this was practically impossible!  What happened??  Did Kelly sneak back to Detroit and roll around in a stinking pile of Lion shit??  Jimmy Crappolo injured again.  Although it probably isn't really an injury, just Jimmy's low threshold for discomfort.  His softness cost his team the game.  Lost in all the Tom Brady You Can't Go Home Again hype is the fact Bill Belichick is now 1-3, after a losing season last year.  So, when does he stop being considered a great coach, and not just a bum who lucked into Tom Brady?  His chickenshit decision not to go for it on 4th down late in the first half cost his team 3 points.  He gave the ball back to Tom Brady, who easily marched the Bucs into field goal range.  And what if he loses to Dana Scully and Hayley Mills this week?  If there is such a thing as football karma, it will happen.  Nobody is due for more football shit-storms than that (meritless) arrogant prick

NFL Picks Week 5 (20-21-1 vs the spread for the season):

Los Angeles Rams -2.5 @ Seattle: The Seahawks are a shaky 2-2, lucky Jimmy Crappolo begged out of the last game, or they'd be 1-3.  Man-for-man the Rams are the better roster, but Seattle has the better QB and is getting points.  If the Rams lose this one, the collar will start to tighten on MVP Kelly Stafford.  Seattle.

New York Jets +3 vs Atlanta: Zach Wilson had his best game, making some great throws to help the Jets get their first win.  The kid does not panic or get down on himself.  Unlike some QBs, such as Jared gOOf, when a play starts to go bad, such as a mishandled snap, Wilson doesn't freeze.  Against the Titans he simply scooped up a bobbled snap, dropped back a couple steps and calmly delivered a perfect deep pass to set-up a game-tying TD.  Wilson will probably end up the best of this year's rookie QB crop.  This is the Falcons fourth tomato can shit-ass team in five games, yet if they drop this one, they'd be a shameful 1-4.  I'll take Xerxes over Little Lord Fauntleroy, who I hear has spent most of the week lining up sightseeing events for his players, he wants to make sure they don't miss out on the cultural gems of London, even has an afternoon tea booked for the entire team at Petersham Nurseries!   New York Jets.

Detroit +7.5 @ Minnesota
: This one will be ugly. The Lions secondary has more holes than the crotch in Cayman Nebraska's jeans after a night out with Urban Meyer.  And the offensive line is in a shambles.  Minnesota can name their score in this one.  Minnesota.


Tennessee -4 @ Jacksonville
: If Jacksonville gets blown out, Urban Meyer might resign.  He tends to quit when the road gets a little bumpy, and a blow out loss to a mediocre team would probably indicate his players have bagged it.  Do the Jags really want to try to get in Derrick Henry's way for their coach?  Henry would set a single-game rushing record in this one, if it wasn't already over by half-time. Tennessee.

Chicago +5.5 @ Las Vegas: Must win for Raiders.  Can't lose to a shit-ass team at home, can't follow a nice 3-0 start with 2 losses.  Derek Carr needs a big game after being called out as psychologically fragile by Joey Bosa.  The Bears defense still has a few teeth left, but their offense lost their best player, RB David Montgomery.  Still, could be a better game than most expect.  Las Vegas.

Cleveland +1.5 @ Los Angeles Chargers: After shitting away their first game to KC, the Browns are slowly rounding into SB form.  I expect the Browns to win the AFC, their defense particularly is getting it into gear.  Will be a long afternoon for Justin Herbert.  Browns getting points?  Lock of the season, so far.  Cleveland.

29 September 2021

2021 College Football Week 5, NFL Week 4

Week 4 College Recap: Clemson has now reached late-stage Mack Brown Texas, Lloyd Carr Michigan status under Dabo Swinney: Country Club Program that plays soft football, physically and mentally.  This shit happens.  You earn a reputation, then you relax and try to win off the reputation.  It works for a season, and then conference teams begin to realize you are soft.  Dabo had a great run, brought them to Menstrual Tide level for four or five years. . .now, just a good but not great team.  I guess that's what make Saban's record so impressive. . .he sustains.  The defense is a little softer than it used to be, for sure, but his team still plays like they are going for their first Natty, not their seventh.  Now Georgia seems to have climbed into the ring with Alabama, taking Clemson's or Ohio State's place.  It seems clear after just 4 weeks that both Alabama and Georgia will be in the Playoff, with a third spot going to a middleweight, the winner of this weeks ND-Cincy game, and the fourth spot going to a lightweight, most likely Oklahoma.  Oregon will lose at least one conference game.  Their QB isn't good enough to run the table.  Ohio State could sneak back in if they run the table, but I don't see them doing that. There seems to be something going on down in Columbus, it don't really smell right.  The arrogant coach doesn't seem to know how to control all his 4 and 5 star prima donnas.  That kind of shit with the OSU player throwing a tantrum and quitting mid-game wouldn't happen at Alabama.  The comic relief of the week comes from, no surprise, Scott Frost, who cried and whined after his team choked away another game.  He said we didn't have any business losing that game.  Truer words never spoken, but Frost didn't seem to realize he was indicting himself.  What a fucking loser.  They have a pretty decent defense this year, and as soft as the B1G West is, they should have made some noise, but they are already out of it after 2 conference games. Their season now hinges on the Michigan game.  They'll need to win that to get 6 wins for bowl eligibility.  Lose it, and perhaps Frost is on the hot seat in what would be 4 consecutive losing seasons.   

College Picks Week 5 (20-13-1 vs the spread for the season):

Virginia +4 @ Miami: LOL! Miami is a joke! Manny Diaz should be cutting grass and pruning hedges, not coaching Big Time Football.  Virginia.

Arkansas +18.5 @ Georgia: Sam Pittman has done a tremendous job turning Arkansas into a real team, just 4 games into his second season.  But I am afraid the bubble will burst this week, they just don't have the passing attack necessary to threaten Georgia, and hence the Dawgs will be able to load up on the run. Can Arkansas' defense hold up enough for 60 minutes to enable the Hogs to cover?  This looks like a 34-10 game, to me.  Georgia.

Michigan +.5 @ Wisconsin: Michigan will not be able to run on Wisconsin, and Wolverine fans will have the pain of watching Cade McNamara shit his pants while throwing uglier passes than Graham Mertz while JJ McCarthy collects dust on the bench.  This will be the beginning of the end for Jim Harbaugh.  Wisconsin.

Louisville +6.5 @ Wake Forest: With Clemson now just another team, this is actually a big game in the ACC Atlantic Division.  If you go by how each team played the SemenHoles, Wake Forest should win this one.  Wake Forest.

Cincinnati -2 @ Notre Dame: Who could have imagined, if you've been watching college football for more than a year or two, that Notre Dame would ever be a home underdog to Cincinnati?  But this is a big fucking game, with the winner in line for a Playoff spot.  Man for man, ND has the better team, but Cincy probably has the better QB.  And if ND has to play that midget Pyne. . .man, there is a *dream season* within the Bearcats grasp if they can win this game.  Something tells me the zebras won't let it happen.  No way TV wants Cincy instead of ND in the Playoff.  Notre Dame.

Mississippi +14.5 @ Alabama: Alabama's defense is not good enough to cover 14.5.  Ole Miss will score.  Alabama will win, but only by 6 - 10 points.  Mississippi.  

Ohio State -15.5 @ Rutgers: I think the Buckeyes will turn the ball over just enough to allow Rutgers to cover.  Rutgers will play for 60 minutes, while the Buckeyes will relax for a series here and there.  Although if Ryan Day gave the ball to Freshman RB TreVeyon Henderson 30 times, OSU would win by 20+, EZ.  This kid is one of the best RBs in the last 20 years.  He looks like a mini Herschel Walker.  Rutgers.

Arizona State +3 @ UCLA: This is what passes for a *Big* game in the Pac-12.  A team that lost to BYU and a team that lost to Fresno State. ASU has the better QB, but they don't have much else, and I don't think they can stop the UCLA run game.  UCLA.  


Week 3 NFL Recap: Detroit Lions: not again!  Fuck me! For once I would love to see the Lions come out after one of these zebra-aided disasters and just kick the living shit out of the other team.  Make somebody else pay, for once!  I mean, Justin Fields and the Bears gained 45 yards total against the Browns.  And yet I believe the Bears will probably come out on their first drive and march right down the field, with the cocksucking Bears fans thinking Fields is the Savior.  I hope Dan Campbell proves me wrong, the guy is the most likable coach the Lions have had in my tortured Lions lifetime.  You know if Fields lights up the Lions, Detroit Media will be all over the *they could have drafted Fields and been set to rule the division blah blah blah.*  I can hear it already. <sigh.>  I was right about the Steelers: so fucking dumb to try to milk one last run out of Big Ben.  C'mon!  How fucking delusional!  And now they have to take a QB from next year's class!  LOL!  Spencer Rattler? He looks emotionally fragile.  The only one who might be a winner is Sam Howell, if he survives this year in North Carolina.  Maybe Matt Corral, who has a chance Saturday against the Menstrual Tide to be remembered for something other than beating up Wayne Gretzky's kid at a posh school and then having to transfer out.  Trevor Lawrence threw a horrendous pick 6 that just took the life out of the Jags and sent them to another loss.  He's been sloppy as fuck so far, a real disappointment.  Mac Jones got his ass kicked by the Saints, and his physical limitations were evident: not much mobility, the lack of the elite arm, but he still looks like he can top out as a Teddy Bridgewater-type QB, a guy you can win with if you have a good defense.  Zach Wilson is on a tough fucking road.  Listen, Robert *Xerxes* Saleh hasn't really moved the needle much there.  Sam Darnold is looking like Kelly Stafford-Lite (the problem wasn't me, it was the shit I was stuck in!).  And I was also right when I said Patty Mahomes wasn't all that.  Like I said, he's basically Brett Favre.  That's not bad, don't get me wrong.  But he ain't one of the All-Time Greats!  C'mon!  He's not that accurate, and he makes the Favre-like dumb plays from time-to-time. (Ha! You know there is trouble in KC when they have to get the great Patty Mahomes help, and the help is Josh Gordon!).  Everything is so NOW NOW NOW, flavor of the week.  Now we are back to Kyler Murray is the greatest thing! OK. I hope so. I hope he fucking beats Kelly Stafford twice. I really do.

NFL Picks Week 4 (17-17-1 vs the spread for the season):

Jacksonville +7.5 @ Cincinnati: Man, that was a horrible, horrible pick 6 Lawrence threw.  Lazy-ass carelessness.  And made no effort to tackle the guy before the end zone.  He made the *appearance* of effort, he ran, slowly, toward the guy, but through the end zone, so he would get there after the fact.  The first TD pass he threw was a thing of beauty, he has all the physical skill to be an All-Timer. . .but he looks, ever since his Freshman year at Clemson, like a guy who is content with his scrapbook just the way it is.  He's already been a Hero.  He beat Alabama as a true freshman.  He plays now like he thinks he's still on the mountain top, instead of down in the valley of Duuuval.  The Bengals were right to draft Ja'Marr Chase over Pennei Sewell.  Sewell ain't bad, no knock on him.  But Chase puts points on the board.  If Sewell goes down, some other fat slob takes his place, and OK, you give up 1 sack more a game, maybe have 15 less rushing yards.  Chase has 4 tds in 3 games.  You do the math.  Anyways, this game will be a real showcase of what kind of coach Urban Meyer can be in the NFL.  They had Arizona on the ropes, their defense played OK, and then Lawrence tossed it away.  The defense sagged.  Now a short week.  What kind of teams shows up Thursday?  A *we know the season is over already, let's not get hurt* team?  Or one that regroups and gives it another shot?  You know Joe Burrow wants to stick it to the coach who thought he wasn't good enough. But he won't.  Jacksonville.   

Detroit +3 @ Chicago: Until Dan Campbell shows me this team is different, I have to follow Lions history, which says they will lay down and die after last week's ridiculous loss.  Against a team coming off one of the worst offensive performances in the last 50 years!!  But the Bears defense will probably bag 3 turnovers, and Justin Fields will toss a couple long TD passes over the depleted Detroit secondary. Chicago.

Cleveland -2 @ Minnesota: Two teams with Super Bowl rosters, but their combined record is 3-3, because they have given away 3 games.  Zimmer dearly wants to show up his former errand boy Stefanski, to shut up all the Vikings fans who wish he was the coach.  Minnesota.

Arizona +5.5 @ Los Angeles Rams: Kelly Stafford to Mrs. Ford: I don't wike it here anymoaw.  Iss too hard in Detwoit. Can you twade me to a good team! Mrs. Ford to Kelly Stafford: OK, Kelly, I understand, thank you for your service.  One week later, Mrs. Ford to Kelly Stafford: We have reached an agreement with Carolina on trade.  Kelly Stafford to Mrs. Ford: Waa Waa!  No! <stamps his feet> I won't go, I won't go! I'll onwy go to Wos Angewes with my new best fwend, Sean! I totally get Kelly was sick of the Lions.  But you're a fucking Lion, pal.  You're part of the disease.  If you're sick to death, you do what the great Barry Sanders did: you just fucking quit.  You don't beg for a fucking handout.  You don't beg for a fucking handout and leave your teammates behind to watch you flit around in different colors. You're either a Lion, or you're fucking nothing.  Sanders did it the right way.  Kelly Stafford is a pussy-ass cocksucker.  So is that fucking rapist Deshaun Watson and any other mentally weak punk who *demands* a trade.  You're playing a fucking kid's game, for crying out loud! Fucking playground martyrs!  And this is a horrible fucking game, the two biggest pantywaist coaches in the League going at it.  We need an earthquake to drag both these sissy teams down into the pit.  Arizona

Seattle +2.5 @ San Francisco: Seattle about to fall off the cliff.  San Francisco.

Baltimore +1 @ Denver: Baltimore could very easily be 0-3.  But they're not.  That's not luck.  Their coach holds the line.  He coaches as if they will win, whereas most coaches manage a game from a fear of losing.  The Broncos have played the Giants, Jaguars and Jets!!  C'mon!  The Lions had the 49ers, Packers and Ravens??  Fuck the NFL!  So anyway, it's hard to know if the Broncos defense is really as good as it has looked, but I'm gonna drink the Kool-Aid and say they shutdown Lamar Jackson.  Denver

Las Vegas +3.5 @ Los Angeles Chargers: Josh Jacobs may be back just in time to face a lousy Chargers run defense.  Raiders are simply the better team.  The Chargers win over KC has Media all aflutter, but 1): KC isn't all that, anymore, and 2): LA didn't really beat KC, KC gave the game away with 4 turnovers.  Las Vegas.

23 September 2021

2021 College Football Week 4, NFL Week 3

Week 3 College Recap: Florida had the physical skill to beat Alabama, but not the mental acuity, and thus they lost a game in which they soundly out-played the Menstrual Tide for the last 3 quarters.  They out-rushed Alabama 245 - 91. . .but lost.  Too many mental errors, the same problem that always seem to plague Dan Mullen teams (remember the shoe toss incident last year?).  This is why I don't consider Mullen an elite coach.  He reminds me of Jim Schwartz, in that his personal immaturity seems to bleed over onto his players.  Too bad.  As for the Menstrual Tide, nobody should be afraid to play them this year.  They're still good, but they frighten nobody on offense or defense.  In Civil War Football, the North was 2-0 as Auburn lost up north to Penn State, Michigan State went down south and bullied pantywaist Miami (of Florida).  Let's face facts, Miami has been a shit-ass team for way longer than Florida State, but for some reason, they never seem to take the same type Media heat.  Manny Diaz is the latest in a long line of shit-ass coaches *The U* has hired.  SissyBlue UCLA could not sustain. 

College Picks Week 4 (16-11-1 vs the spread for the season): Another week of mostly shitty games.

Notre Dame +5.5 @ Wisconsin: Jack Coan going against his old team, he'd love to show up Big Time Recruit/Mediocre QB Graham Mertz. . .but he wont.  Wisconsin's defense is too tough, and the ND defense is too soft to handle the Badger running game.  I expect Wisconsin to give the Irish a savage beating.  Wisconsin

Texas Tech +8.5 @ Texas: Cutty Sark believes his unbelievably quick QB switch worked because the Longhorns trounced Rice. . .man, c'mon!  You don't make any judgments about your team after playing Rice!  Texas is as dysfunctional as ever.  I don't even know a thing about Texas Tech.  Don't know who their coach is, or who their QB is. But I do know Texas.  That's enough for me take the Red Raiders and the points.  Texas Tech.

Texas A&M -5.5 @ Arkansas: When the Hogs hired Sam Pittman, an old fat OL coach, I just shrugged and said at least he fits the Arkansas nickname.  But the guy has made Arkansas better, there is no doubt.  They play a nice physical brand of football, and I like them to wallow around in the mire and muck it up against Jimbo Fisher, who is more PR shill than coach.  A&M isn't nearly as good as everyone thinks.  Arkansas.  

Iowas State -6.5 @ Baylor: Iowa State was the Media darling pick before the season started.  The Little Engine That Could.  LOL!  They've sputtered all year, barely beating shit-ass tomato can teams and getting spanked by mediocre Iowa.  Baylor should run by them.  And then we can forget about the Cyclones for the rest of the year.  Baylor.

Clemson -10 @ North Carolina State: Clemson has gotten soft.  They got their fancy football building with all the amusements, they got all the white girls showing leg while they help the black players do their book learning, they got a coach who went from having a chip on his shoulder to being an entitled church snob.  I don't even know a thing about North Carolina State.  Don't know who their coach is, or who their QB is. . .you know the drill. North Carolina State.

Nebrasska +5 @ Michigan State: Scott Frost got the biggest win of his career last week, a 16-23 dignity defeat to Oklahoma.  He gave the usual evaluation of any shit-ass coach of any shit-ass team that simply loses a game against a good team, instead of getting humiliated: we showed the progress we are making, we can line-up against any team in the country and compete, we just have to take the next small step blah, blah, blah.  Let's see if they can now actually win a game against a more-or-less equal opponent, or if the Oklahoma *win* was more a sign that Oklahoma ain't really a Top Tier team.  Nebrasska.


Week 2 NFL Recap: A couple of big reversals from Week 1: Tennessee, which was embarrassed at home by Arizona, went on the road and upset SeattleNew Orleans, which over-powered Lavender Bay, was beaten up by Carolina, who held the Saints to a hard-to-believe 128 yards.  Another rough week for Zach Wilson and Trevor Lawrence, as it is now crystal clear Mac Jones was the most pro-ready QB in the draft.  Urban Meyer and Robert Saleh, the big name new coach hires, are 0-4 and seem a long, long way from being competitive, while the two guys I thought were the biggest joke hires, Dana Scully in Houston and Nick SomethingOrOther in Philadelphia, have their teams playing solid football.  In fact, had Nimrod Taylor not got injured, the Texans might have actually beat the Browns and gotten to 2-0.  On the other hand, there's FedEx heiress Arthur Smith, who is just as lousy of a head coach as I thought he would be.  Derek Carr has been the best QB the first two weeks of the season.  The Minnesota Vikings just refuse to win, bungling a second straight game.  Dalvin Cook was a runaway train in the first half against Arizona, and yet the Vikings still trailed.  Mike Zimmer just can't meet expectations.  I don't know what his problem is, but he can almost-beat any team in the League.  The Vikings are the greatest 0-2 team I've ever seen.  A lot of frail QBs limped off the field: Arson Wentz, Tuna Gagvoila!, Nimrod Taylor, Andy DaltonTWatt from Pittsburgh joined them, he's probably the League's highest paid malingerer now.  John Harbaugh made the good tough call to go for it on fourth down at the end of the Chiefs game.  Whereas Mike Tomlin made the chickenshit call to punt down 9 points with 8 minutes left in the Raiders game.  

NFL Picks Week 3 (17-11-2 vs the spread for the season).

Chicago +7 @ Cleveland: I had the Browns pegged as a real Super Bowl threat before the season, but they've been underwhelming the first two weeks.  Now they get Justin Fields in his first start.  This should be an easy win, but I have a nagging feeling Cleveland's defense will make Fields look like RGIII in his rookie year.  The Bears defense looked rejuvenated last week, rattling Joe Burrow into 3 consecutive INTs. Chicago.

Baltimore -8 @ Detroit: The Lions secondary is so crappy, Lamar Jackson will actually look like a competent passer in this game.  And the Lions linebackers are so slow, he could be the first QB to get a 200 yard rushing game, but my guess is, the game will be over by half-time, so he won't need to run much.  Tyler Huntley should get some playing time in this one.  The Lions offense wouldn't be half-bad, if Jared gOOf didn't give the ball away multiple times a game. . .and it's not because the other team forces the turnovers, its gOOf forcing the other team to take the ball with his bizarre drops, slips, throws.   Baltimore

New Orleans +3 @ New England: The rapist Jameis Winston and the rest of the Saints offense were atrocious last week against Carolina, 80 yds passing, 48 yds rushing. . .in this Day & Age of EZ Offense in the NFL?  How can a team be that bad?  They were so bad, they are now a 3 point underdog to a rookie QB.  The Patriots are an average team, offensively and defensively.  If the Saints can't win this game, what an amazing swing in just two weeks.  They looked like world-beaters in Week 1 against Lavender Bay.  Sean Payton may have to move to Taysom Hill much earlier than I anticipated if the Saints continue to sputter early against the Pats.  I'm taking the Saints only because they have the big edge in coaching.  New Orleans.  

Tampa Bay -1.5 @ Los Angeles: Kelly Stafford's first big game with the Rams.  Can you imagine the hype if Kelly actually gets the better of Tom Brady?  The MVP talk will start.  The *Detroit Is So Gawdawful Even The Magnificent Stafford Couldn't Win There* fable will become gospel truth.  I'll projectile vomit onto the TV screen if the Rams win.  Tampa Bay.

Miami +4 @ Las Vegas: The Dolphins starting QB is out, and Miami is still only getting 4 points on the road against a 2-0 team.  That tells you exactly what the experts think about Tuna Gagvoila! It makes no difference whether he is in there or not.  I actually think his absence makes the game a little tougher for the Raiders.  Jacoby Passover Brisket is a better QB.  But Derek Carr is playing outstanding, MVP caliber QB, and I expect the Raiders to easily cover.  Las Vegas.

Seattle -1.5 @ Minnesota: Expect both teams to score a ton of points, neither has the defense they used to.  I actually think the Vikings are the better team, but they insist on losing. Well, the Vikings aren't actually a *team,* that's their problem. They are a bunch of players and coaches whose primary interest seems to be in covering their own asses.  Seattle

Green Bay +3 @ San Francisco: Green Bay's defense is truly awful.  Only Jared gOOf's absurd turnovers saved them last week.  I expect the 49ers to win this game fairly easily. They are much better on both sides of the ball. San Francisco

15 September 2021

2021 College Football Week 3, NFL Week 2

Week 2 College Recap: Cutty Sark already relapsing on his QB pick of Hudson Card! After 1 1/2 games!  Cutty shows he can't handle the pressure! Lock the liquor cabinets in Austin!  If I was Card, I'd already be in the transfer portal, because if your coach is this weak and double-minded, why bother sticking around and letting him ruin your career? Clay Helton fired after USC's dismal loss to Stanford. Poor timing.  USC is setting up the interim coach to look good, and then there will be the inevitable pressure to give him the job when the players and a certain demographic of the fan base say he is the perfect choice, and thus UCS gets an almost Ed Orgeron/for real Clay Helton 2.0.  Dumb. Florida State: LOL! Teams like FSU should remind Michigan fans: you CAN do worse than Harbaugh.

College Picks Week 3 (11-10-1 vs the spread for the season): Another week of mostly shitty games.

Nebrasska +22 @ Oklahoma: What will Scott Frost's excuse be this week? Oklahoma's cheerleaders didn't douche, and their vaginas smelled so bad it gave all our players migraines.  Anyway, of course Nebrasska will lose, but I am picking them to cover because their defense is average and Oklahoma is one of the softest teams in America and their coach isn't much better than Frost.  Nebrasska.

Cincinnati -3.5 @ Indiana: This game will tell us how much Indiana is back to being Indiana, rather than if Cincy is legit.  Cincinnati.

Purdue +7 @ Notre Dame: Notre Dame barely managed to beat Florida State and Toledo, and while Purdue is also a cream puff, they are a heavier cream than the SemenHoles and Rockets.  Purdue.

Alabama -15.5 @ Florida: The Gators have rushed for 763 yards in their first two games, averaging over 8 yards per carry. . .true, both games were against tomato cans, but even against sissy teams, that's still hard to do.  If they can rush for over 200 yards against the Menstrual Tide, they'll beat the spread.  Florida.

Kent State +22.5 @ Iowa: UPSET SPECIAL. Iowa has no offense, and the Golden Flashes will able to score enough to cover.  Kent State.

Auburn +6 @ Penn State: Penn State's defense is just too good for Never-Lived-Up-To-The-Hype Bo Nix, plus it's a White Out.  Auburn is gonna get a rough dose of Northern Football.  Penn State  

Week 1 NFL Recap: There were some truly dreadful performances. . .the Titans: Mike Vrabel punked by punk Kliff Kingsbury, which means it may be all over for the one-time seeming promising head coach.  He has a tough guy persona, but his defense plays about as muscular as a Thai ladyboy. The Lions: for 55 minutes they were the 49ers punching bag, then they staged a mini-comeback from 38-10 that actually saw them with the ball on the 49er 25 yd line with 30 seconds to go, one score from tying the game.  It's probably more that the 49ers lost interest, they were laughing at the pathetic Lions for most of the game, but at least the Leos kept trying, which is more than they did under Matt Patricia.  The offense looked fairly promising, but the defense still looks absolutely horrendous.  The Packers: LOL! A Super Bowl darling pick, they were plastered by a homeless Saints team.  Aaron Rodgers looked like a long-haired skid row bum, and played like one.  A one game aberration, or, as we thought could be possible, a team that could crack because of MeMe Rodgers off-season drama queen antics?  Trevor Lawrence: He sucked. Tossed three inexcusable INTs. I've said it a few times, but the kid has not improved since his Freshman year at Clemson.  Still plays the same way, showing little interest in the mechanical and mental aspects of the QB position. The guy has all the physical tools to be an All-Timer, but you wonder sometimes about these self-proclaimed Christian college heroes, guys like him and Tebow, if they think God will magically bestow success upon them.  They may mistake a physical talent as a gift from God, and then they end up at a powerhouse college team, where their mistakes are swallowed up by their teams overwhelming talent edge, but they assume it's God blessing them, and that God will always order their steps to sports success. But God don't give a shit about football, and probably would rather Tebow and Lawrence worked in a soup kitchen or a mission field.  At this point, Lawrence is far behind Mac Jones as a professional-ready QB, and even lags behind Zach Wilson.  After one week, I rate the rookie QBs: 1. Zach Wilson 2. Mac Jones  3. Trevor Lawrence.  The Giants: Steam-rolled by the Broncos, played about as inspired of football as you would expect from a team coached by a Bill Belichick clone.  But the worst of all had to be the Atlanta Falcons: clobbered by a shit-ass Eagles team that tore through them with Jalen Hurts at QB. I had a feeling the FedEx heiress Arthur Smith wouldn't be able to relate to most NFL players, and it sure looked that way Sunday.  The Falcons went down without a fight.  Coach of the Week: Dana Scully of the Houston Texans. LOL! He (and his retread DC Lovie Smith) whipped Urban Meyer, and showed the college boy what the pro game is all about.  I've never seen a Meyer team look so amateurish.  I thought he would have the Jags ready.  I was 100% wrong. Maybe Meyer's just mailing it in at this stage, content to cash the giant paychecks his Paki owner gives him.  Whatever the reason, it was not a promising start.  In fact, it was a start that looked like Meyer is isolated from his own team.  But, hey, this is about Dana Scully, a laughable hire expected to put the League's worst team on the field, but the Texans looked better than most of the teams with rookie coaches.  And Hell, the Texans are in the worst division, by far, in the League, so he may even win 4 or 5 more games.  6-11 could win that shit-ass division.    

NFL Picks Week 2 (5-6 vs spread for the season): 

NY Giants +4 @ Washington: Ryan Fitzpatrick lasted about 5 minutes, then fell down and broke a hip like an old lady.  LOL! The Giants sucked against Denver.  The loser of this game immediately becomes the NFC's worst team. I guess I'll take the shit-ass team getting the points.  New York.

Buffalo -3 @ Miami: Miami got a bit lucky in their win over NE, the Patriots literally fumbled the game away, and Buffalo got pushed around by the Steelers.  Josh Allen looked feeble.  He needs to step up this week, or Buffalo's season will already be on life support.  Buffalo.

New England -5.5 @ New York Jets: Zach Wilson got his ass sacked a ton, and really struggled early, but he hung in there, showed toughness, and started to sling the football pretty good in the second half, keeping the Jets in the game.  Outside of his first pass, when he intentionally grounded a lateral(!), Mac Jones looked like a veteran QB.  The kid throws a nice ball, and while he doesn't have a rocket arm, he showed he could make enough throws to win a lot of games in the League.  The Patriots got a bargain getting him at #15.  At worst, he will be the third best QB from this draft, and depending on how Lawrence progresses, or if Wilson gets crippled, he could end up first or second.  The teams that passed on him for Lance and Fields made big mistakes.  New England.

Las Vegas +5.5 @ Pittsburgh: The Raiders won a game even though they Raidered!  Overcoming their horrible goal line gOOfs and beating the Ravens may signal they finally have a little bit of mental toughness under Jon Gruden.  The Steelers defense was outstanding against the Bills. . .but their offense sucked, and Najee Harris looked like a plowhorse, like I thought he was.  The Raiders have far more weapons on offense than the Bills.  Las Vegas.

Cincinnati +3 @ Chicago: Joe Burrow getting 3 against Dalton-Fields??  LOL!  EZ Money!  Cincinnati.

Minnesota +4.5 @ Arizona: If the Vikings lose this one, the Mike Zimmer death watch begins.  Arizona really surprised me with that epic beat-down of the Titans.  But I have to believe it was more due to the internal problems on Tennessee being even worse than I thought.  Minnesota has a better roster than Arizona. No excuses for the great excuse maker Zimmer.  Got to win this one.  Minnesota.

Kansas City -3.5 @ Baltimore: A brutal opening two games for the IR Ravens.  (But they get the Lions in Week 3).  The Raiders, after the first quarter, were clearly the better team, and they exposed the Ravens deficiencies in pass offense and pass defense.  KC was gifted a win by the Browns, who once again shrank in the Big Moments.  I'm not convinced the Chiefs are a powerhouse, and perhaps the Ravens could steal a win with a dominating run game. . .but I doubt it.  Kansas City.     

Detroit +10.5 @ Green Bay: MeMe Rodgers didn't look ready for the season to begin in Week 1.  But after hearing a little Media criticism, I imagine she'll be dialed in for a Monday Night Show, plus the Lions defense is abysmal.  Jordan Love could probably beat them.  The Lions offense flashed some potential against the 49ers, but their only hope is Jared gOOf playing mistake-free football and the sorry-ass defense snagging a couple Packer turnovers, otherwise, this game will look pretty much like the first 55 minutes of the 49ers game.  Green Bay.

08 September 2021

2021 College Football Week 2, NFL Week 1

A terrible slate of games in Week 2 of college ball.  Mercer is playing Alabama, for crying out loud.  How is that even allowed?  All this shit about re-alignment, expansion, super conferences, you got to do something so that real games are played every week.  8-6-1 vs spread last week.

Oregon +14 @ Ohio State: Oregon got out-gained by Fresno State, and struggled hard to win.  They're gonna all of a sudden have a defense to stop the Buckeyes?  No.  They are gonna get BLOWN OUT.  Ohio State

Toledo +17 @ Notre Dame: The Irish have a new DC, and the results were piss-fucking-poor in Week 1 against the SemenHoles.  Toledo's probably a better team than FSU.  Toledo

Ball State +22.5 @ Penn State: The Shittany Lions have a roster full of 4 & 5 star recruits, but year-after-year they play sod-buster football. They should mop the floor with Ball State, but will struggle and won't put them away until late in the game. Ball State.

Buffalo +13.5 @ Nebrasska: A B1G team at home not even a two touchdown favorite over a MAC team? This is the fourth year of Scott Frost, you think the slappies in Lincoln figured they'd ever be fretting if their Golden Boy could handle a MAC team? I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Buffalo wins, outright. Buffalo.

Iowa +4.5 @ Iowa State: Iowa State is only a Top 10 team because they play in a shit-ass conference.  It's absurd that Iowa is getting points.  Iowa will kick their ass, and then the Cyclones will win a bunch of games against candy-ass teams and Media will fawn all over snaggle-toothed Matt Campbell because they only lose by 10 to shit-ass Oklahoma in the Sissy Conference Title Game.  It's such a limp-wristed conference, Oklahoma and Texas can't wait to get out of it.  Iowa

Eastern Michigan +25.5 @ Wisconsin: I don't even know if Wisconsin can score 26 points.  Graham Mertz was a Big Time QB recruit, but he has played like a bum, he single-hand
edly lost the PSU game for the Badgers.  Eastern hangs tough against B1G teams on the road, and even managed to knock off a couple of the lightweights, Purdue and Illinois, in recent years.  They should be able to lose by only 21 or so.  Eastern Michigan.

Idaho @ Indiana: No line as of Tuesday.  If they set one, take Idaho, whatever it is.  Indiana football is BACK.  Back to being lousy.  They won a few games in the covid season and the Media made Tom Allen into Vince Lombardi, but last week showed he's still Tom Allen, a gOOfball high school coach who lucked into a B1G job.

Washington +6 @ Michigan: Washington lost at home to Montana, and now they go on the road and are only a 6 point underdog, that tells you all you need to know about Jim Harbaugh's tattered reputation. Michigan.


NFL Week One

Dallas +7.5 @ Tampa Bay: I got a feeling Dak Prescott will be crying and in street clothes by half-time.  Tampa Bay.

Philadelphia +3.5 @ Atlanta: Arthur *Silver Spoon* Smith, the FedEx heiress, gets as EZ an opener as possible, going against Jalen Hurts and a Jim Schwartz-less Eagle defense.  If he can't win this game, it means the players have already tuned out Little Lord Fauntleroy.  Atlanta.

Pittsburgh +6.5 @ Buffalo: Too many points.  Bills win, but don't cover.  Pittsburgh.

Minnesota -3 @ Cincinnati: This could be the wildest game of the day, I expect both teams to score a lot of points this season (for the Vikings, until Kirk Cousins gets covid).  They are already worried about Ja'Marr Chase being a flop in Cincy.  That means he'll probably rack up 150 yds and 2 tds in this one.  Minnesota.

San Francisco -7.5 @ Detroit: I expect the 49ers to win, but will not cover because genius Kyle Shanahan's dumb two QB system will consistently interrupt the 49ers offensive momentum, and a Trey Lance turnover will help keep the Lions close all the way to the end.  Detroit.

Los Angeles Chargers -1 @ Washington: I expect to see a significant decline in Justin Herbert this year, look for him to turn the ball over a lot more without Anthony Lynn to chaperone him.  This game won't be close.  To me, it's a joke the Chargers are favored. Washington.

New York Jets +5 @ Carolina: Zach Wilson +5 against Sam Darnold?  C'mon!  New York.

Jacksonville -3 @ Houston: Can you imagine if Trevor Lawrence and Urban Meyer lose to Nimrod Taylor and. . .what's his name?. . .Dana Scully? LOL!  Houston.

Cleveland +6 @ Kansas City: The Browns are the better team, plain and simple.  Cleveland.

Chicago +7.5 @ Los Angeles Rams: The debut of genius Sean McVay and his new girlfriend QB Kelly Stafford.  Can't wait to see the look on McVay's stupid face the moment Kelly tosses a dumbass pick 6.  It will happen.  Stafford is still Stafford.  That said, I doubt the Bears will win, because they have a thin line-up on offense, and their defense is aging, but Kelly will manage to keep the Rams from covering.  Chicago.

Baltimore -5 @ Las Vegas: It's time for Jon Gruden to shit or get off the pot.  He hired Gus Bradley and Rod Moronelli to fix the defense, all they gotta do is stop the run in Week 1.  If they get run over by the Ravens, the season is already lost, because it means the defense is still feeble.  I like Derek Carr (Carr is a true version of the Media version of Kelly Stafford) and the Raider offense.  Let's hope they aren't wasted another season by poor coaching and tissue paper defense.  Las Vegas.

01 September 2021

College Football 2021, Week One

Ohio State -14 @ Minnesota: The Buckeyes defense was mediocre last year, Minnesota has some decent players on offense, if the new OSU QB is slow out of the gate, the Urine-Colored Gophers could take an early lead, then hang on for a 13 point loss.  Minnesota

Penn State +5.5 @ Wisconsin: The Badgers have some weird domestic violence type situation going on in their running backs room, one claims another assaulted him in his dorm room.  Sounds vaguely gay, for that reason we pick: Penn State

Alabama -19.5 vs Miami: If the new Alabama QB is slow out of the gate, the Hurricanes could take an early lead, then hang on for a 19 point loss.  But I don't think that is gonna happen.  Then again, Bill O'Brien is Nick Saban's new OC, he ain't no Lane Kiffin or Cutty Sarkisian.  Hopefully we'll get to see a beet-red in the face Saban yelling at O'Brien early in the second half.  Miami

Louisiana +8 @ Texas: Cutty Sarkisian's first game as Longhorn HC could be a wild one.  Texas has a giant talent edge.  I mean, they have a roster that's as loaded as anybody's this side of Alabama and Ohio State. . .but they've been poorly coached for so long, they can lose to just about anybody on their schedule.  Louisiana has one of the great southern coaches, Billy Napier, they will be ready and won't be wetting their pants. . .but I just have a feeling the Longhorns will overwhelm them, I've sipped the Hudson Card/Bijan Robinson Kool-Aid. Texas

San Jose State +14 @ USC: USC rarely blows anybody out.  They can't play 60 true minutes of football, they'll win, but have enough of their usual off series to allow SJS to cover.  San Jose State.

Georgia +3 vs Clemson: Huge game, two title contenders go right at it Week One.  Clemson can lose and still run the table and make the playoffs, so this game isn't as pressure packed as it is for Georgia.  Georgia ain't running the table in the SEC.  Wait. I just checked Georgia's schedule. LOL! No Alabama, no Texas A&M, no LSU.  Not even Ole Miss. Only one tough game, Florida, and one possible tough game, Auburn.  So the loser of this game will not have their playoff chances crushed.  Clemson has looked a little too finesse the last two years.  And Ohio State really kicked their ass.  I think Georgia is too physical for the pretty boys from Clemson, just as long as JT Daniels doesn't get injured.  If the Bulldogs have to use a back-up QB, game over. Georgia

LSU -3 @ UCLA: Most interesting game of the week.  Two big question mark teams.  The 2019 LSU team was one of the All-Time Greats, but they lost a ton of players and coaches, and they looked amateurish for most of 2020, a real nose dive.  It's time for Chip Kelly to shit or get off the pot at UCLA.  Fourth year, veteran QB, system fully installed with his guys, they looked decent at times in 2020.  LSU still has a roster of 4 and 5 star recruits, while UCLA is mostly a 3 star team, but comic figure coach Ed Orgeron has once again had to remake his coaching staff. . .unfortunately, it looks like 2019 was the anomaly for Ed and LSU. . .and there's also the stink of seeming countless athletics scandals in Baton Rouge.  LSU just smells like a corpse.  UCLA.  

Bonus Picks: Western Michigan +17 over Michigan, Kent State +28.5 over Texas A&M, Northern Iowa +32 over Iowa St, Eastern Illinois +40.5 over South Carolina, Oregon St +7 over Purdue, East Tennessee St +21.5 over Vanderbilt, Florida St +7.5 over ND, Ole Miss -9.5 over Louisville.

27 August 2021

2021 College Football, Week Zero: First (And Last) Time Scott Frost & Bret Bielema Step Into The Spotlight

There are no decent games this Saturday, but there is this ridiculous contest coached by two of college football's most laughable figures:

Nebrasska -7 @ Illinois: Neither of these teams will achieve anything of football merit this year.  They begin a season-long schedule of TV filler games by playing each other, and who wins and who loses makes absolutely no difference in the Grand Football Scheme, it's the football equivalent of background radiation (I don't actually know what background radiation is, but it makes for a catchy metaphor) . . .BUT. . .this is a HUGE game in the race for the National Championship of Schadenfreude Football. . .and it's imperative that Illinois spring the upset so we can begin Scott Frost's 2021 Trail of Tears.  This is the most winnable real game on Nebraska's schedule (Fordham and Buffalo aren't real games), and if Frost somehow loses to slobby boor Bret Bielema in Bret's first game at Illinois, then Frost will:

Probably sniffle and try to fight back tears from streaming down his beet-red face in the post-game presser while inventing another of his moronic excuses (remember, with last year's loss to Iowa, Nebraska became the first team to ever lose a game because the other team clapped too loud) and beg, for about the hundredth time, for just a little more patience as he continues his Herculean task of cleaning up the mess Mike Riley left, though, of course, by this time I doubt any of the current Nebraska roster even know who Mike Riley is.

Now that Mark Dantonio has retired, Frost is easily the biggest crybaby and sorest loser in college football, with an ego only a pussy hair's thinner than Sean McVay's. Everything is always somebody else's fault, he has no shortcomings, and all the proof anybody needs that life is unfair is the satanic fact Nebrasska loses way more football games than they win.

As for Illinois, all you need to know about the abysmal state of their football program is that their last two head coaching hires are Lovie Smith and Bret Bielema.  

Speaking of Bret, a poor coach who rode the wave Barry Alvarez left him in Wisconsin to a big day at Arkansas, where of course he failed, what's most interesting about him, even more interesting than how he managed to convince Illinois he wasn't a retread after kicking around the NFL for a couple years, is how a fat slob like him managed to score such a hot wife. But anyway, we are all Bret Bielema fans in Week Zero. Go Illini!

Prediction: With great reluctance we pick Nebrasska to win (and to cover), thus guaranteeing the Huskers will have a 3-0 record going into the game in which Oklahoma wipes the cupcake schedule produced smug look off Frost's ugly pasty face.

22 August 2021

2021 National Football League Season Preview

Brothers, sisters, and siblings to those still working out their gender, the One Hundred and Second season of the National Football League is upon us.   After a past few dreary seasons marked more by hype (Lamar Jackson! Revolutionary Quarterback! HawHaw say old-time Bears fans who watched Bobby Douglass.  Patty Mahomes! Insane In The Membrane Improv Throws! Never seen anything like it! Greatest QB of All-Time. . .that plays an awful like Brett Favre, so really, pretty good QB who is fun to watch, but not the most accurate or smartest QB.  Kyler Murray!  Johnny Manziel - 40 ouncers ÷ Doug Flutie.  Sean McVay! Kliff Kingsbury! Metrosexual Chip Kellys!) and pregame sermons (breast cancer/racism/domestic violence bad, military good) than actual on field excellence, NFL CII will at least look different:

The New NFL QB Office: Lawrence, Wilson, Lance, Fields & Jones

Long-time QB Partners Changing Offices: Kelly Stafford now practicing in Hollywood with new boyfriend Sean McVay. Jared gOOf leaving California Girls for the pawgs of Detroit. Arson Wentz, who torched his career in Philly, starts over in Indy. FitzMagic in DC. Sam Darnold looking for new cornhole opportunities in Carolina. Plus one of two water boys takes over in New Orleans for Drew Brees, who begins his new full-time career apologizing for being white.

Fresh (and weird) Faces On The Sidelines: Robert *Xerxes* Saleh with the Jets, Dan *Kneecap* Campbell in Detroit, Arthur *Silver Spoon* Smith in Atlanta, oddball Nick *Who?* Sirianni in Philly, and the dumbest coaching hire I can recall: 65 year old biracial-looking life-time NFL non-entity David Culley with the Texans.

And Best Of All, Manic-Depressive College Great Urban Meyer Brings His Obsessive-Compulsive Scheme To The NFL: I have no doubt he will do better in the League than Saban and Chip Kelly.  But his cyst-riddled brain will not allow him to last long enough to match Pete Carroll's level of success. 

Lately the League has had more off-field entertainment value (Dwayne *Fuck Football, Fuck Covid, I Gots To Have A Skank Stripper's Ass In My Face All De Time* Haskins, Aaron Rodgers Prima Donna Hold Out Theatrics, Deshaun Watson's Angry Cock menacing every massage therapist in a 50 mile radius of Houston, Richard Sherman's Drunken Cry For Help, Andy Reid's drunk nepotism coach hire son nearly kills a 5 year old girl, Big Frank Nitti Clark and his machine gun, Rashad *Ain't Got No Problem Hittin' A Bitch* Weaver, Jeff Gladney choking his former girlfriend, and I probably missed ten more.  Titus Young would be Man of the Year if he were in the NFL now), but NFL CII should at least have some novelty value with all the QB and coaching changes.

Here's how the League should shake out in 2021:

AFC East

1. Buffalo: Of the supposed Super Bowl contenders, the Bills have the thinnest margin for error.  Their run game is not that good, and they didn't bolster it with an explosive running back in the draft because their defensive line is slipping a little, and they chose to use their top two draft picks on ends, both of whom (Rousseau, Basham) smell like flops. The pressure therefore remains on the Allen-to-Diggs connection to carry the team, and an injury to the frail Diggs would leave the Bills looking not so Super.  The Bills have a strong, stable coaching staff, an outstanding secondary, and getting Mitch Falsebisky as a back-up QB was not a bad move.  If Allen were to get injured, Falsebisky can at least do enough to beat non-good teams, and keep the Bills from sinking like 2020 Dallas after Dak Prescott twisted his ankle. Everything broke right for the Bills last year, they only lost one close game (on the Kyler Murray Hail Mary), so the NFL Law of Averages says the Bills are due for misfortune. . .on paper they are the best in the AFC East, but if I were gonna place a money bet on the Bills, I would take the under on the 10.5 wins total wager. 

2. New England: Without Tom Brady, Bill Belichick's record is 61-72.  That's not a small sample size. That's 8 seasons of football.  So, Wayne Fontes was a better coach.  Anyway, the genius Belichick is trying to keep a stale franchise relevant by remaining mired in the past.  He now tries to resurrect the Hernandez/Gronk combination by signing a couple new tight ends, Hunter Henry and Jonnu Smith.  Stale.  Stale coaching staff: old Belichick and over-rated Josh McDaniels, plus two Belichick kids. . .and look, there's Fat Matt Patricia lurking in the shadows, playing pocket pool while he chews his ratty beard!  This is not a good coaching staff.  They do have the elements for a strong run game, and a fairly solid defense, so 8 - 10 wins and a second place/wild card contender finish is not out of the question, if they can get even a half-way decent result from stale Cam Newton or Alabama game manager Mac Jones.

3. Miami: The Dolphins made a terrible error due to pride.  Not wanting to admit Tuna Gagvoilia! is not an NFL QB, and not wanting to admit drafting him was a huge error, they let Ryan Fitzpatrick walk away, even though he rescued Tuna and the Dolphins to a 10 win season, and, even worse, having the draft capital to take or maneuver into a position to take any QB in the draft not named Trevor Lawrence, they put on their wish caps and crossed their fingers for Gagvoilia!  Tuna is too small, his arm too weak, and his body too beat up.  I mean, he moves around the field like 1975 Billy Kilmer, but lacks Kilmer's intelligence, guts and will to win.  They drafted Jaylen Waddle to *help* Gagvoila!  LOL! You can surround a bucket of shit with roses, but the bucket of shit is still a bucket of shit.  The Dolphins were +9 in turnovers last year, if the NFL Law of Averages hit, they could even sink below the Jets.

4. New York Jets: The Jets could rise real fast in this shaky division if Zach Wilson hits the ground running. . .unfortunately, his QB coach, Greg Knapp hit the ground permanently when a car plowed into him while he was riding his bike.  How much of a setback is that for Wilson?  Any?  Draft pick Michael Carter could be a 4th round steal, and fantasy football sleeper, with only the frail Tevin Coleman ahead of him.  The Jets, like the Lions, are automatically better via addition by the subtraction of a terrible head coach.  Robert *Xerxes* Saleh is of a magnitude better than Adam Gase, has the personality to connect with players, and assembled a pretty good staff.  

AFC North

1. Cleveland: The Browns are loaded.  When Baker Mayfield is your weak link, you ain't in bad shape.  Mayfield is a serviceable QB surrounded by tons of all-star talent on the offensive line, in the backfield, and at wide-out.  The Browns have an even better power run game than Baltimore, as it's not reliant on having to have a QB run threat.  Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt behind the Browns O-Line can grind defenses into dust.  And Mayfield has a trio of top end receivers (Landry, closeted Beckham Jr and TE Hooper, plus fast-rising Peoples-Jones).  The Browns defense only has to be average, and they played that way last year, even though on paper they should have been better.  They tinkered with it in the off-season, bringing in safety John Johnson (good move) and being the latest team to believe in Jadeveon Clowney's press clippings rather than game tape.  Legit Super Bowl contender.

2. Baltimore: Lamar Jackson hasn't changed the game, and until John Harbaugh and the Ravens acknowledge this, they are stuck in a 10 win and probable Wild Card playoff loss rut.  Sorry, but Jackson just can't throw well enough to win anything BIG (good thing you don't have to throw to beat covid).  The Ravens have a nice run game, a solid defense, good special teams, but if they fall behind? Game over.  Other than his own cock, Jackson ain't beating anything with his arm.  The Ravens wasted their top draft choice by picking a WR (Bateman).  Why bother?  The ball ain't gonna get to him. 

3. Cincinnati: With Joe Burrow tossing the ball to Tyler Boyd, Tee Higgins and rookie Ja'Marr Chase, sprinkled in with a few runs for Joe *I Hit Girls* Mixon, the Bengals should put up plenty of points this year, and be an entertaining watch.  The defense needs a lot of work, they added a few free agents, the best being DE Trey Hendrickson, but they kept their subpar defensive coordinator Lou Anarumo, thus it's unlikely the Bengals can challenge for a Wild Card spot, but they are worth a few bucks bet on the over on their current 6.5 wins total. 

4. Pittsburgh: An old team with an old beat-up QB and head coach going into his 15th season, plus they spend their first round pick on a plow horse running back? That's a first-to-worst recipe if there ever was one.  And then to make matters even worse, they promoted vagabond Matt Canada to Offensive Coordinator.  Canada is one of those coaches who bounces from job-to-job, never excelling, yet is always given one more chance.  You'll remember Canada left the pile of shit in LSU that Joe Brady had to clean up before Joe Burrow could take off.  And next year in Pittsburgh somebody else will have to clean up after Canada shits the bed one more time.  The Steelers collapse actually began at the end of last season, as they lost five of their final six games, including the playoff loss to the Browns when even their #3 defense fell apart. The Steelers deluded themselves, begging Big Ben to come back for one last Super Bowl try. HaHa!  Not happening!  They needed to let Roethlisberger retire, and then trade up for one of the QBs in this year's draft class and begin a rebuild.  Instead they are gonna waste a year, and have to take a QB from a much weaker class.  

AFC South

1. Tennessee: This is the weakest division in the League.  All the teams have serious problems in at least one area, and Houston has serious problems everywhere.  The Titans problems are a horrible defense, and the fact head coach Mike Vrabel hedged his bet trying to fix it, by keeping last year's co-DC, Shane Bowen, but bringing in long-time and former Titan DC genius Jim Schwartz as a *special assistant* to look over his shoulder.  You know Schwartz will be DC by mid-season, at the latest.  The Titans are also much thinner in the passing game after losing Corey Davis and Jonnu Smith, but Derrick Henry may be able to carry them just enough to stay ahead of Jax. 

2. Jacksonville: I have no doubt obsessive-compulsive Urban Meyer will have the Jaguars the most detailed team in the League.  The players will have every opportunity to succeed.  And Meyer made an excellent OC hire in Darrell Bevell, who was able to work out a productive offense with David Blough at QB for the Lions when Kelly Stafford got injured a couple years ago, so just imagine what he can do with all the high-end talent he has to work with in Jacksonville, starting with Wonder Boy #1 Draft Pick QB Trevor Lawrence, the best pro prospect I've seen in college ball, though I must say he didn't really improve much from his freshman to junior year.  D.J. Chark, Travis Etienne, Marvin Jones, Laviska Chenault and James Robinson mean T-Law has plenty of help, the Jags should have no problem moving the ball.  With that offense, and a soft schedule, I would have picked Jacksonville to win the Division, except I believe Meyer made a critical mistake, one that will cost several wins.  For some reason Urban chose fast-food gOOfball/nudist Joe Cullen to be DC, despite Cullen never having been a coordinator, and never having been relatively emotionally stable, either.  I'd love to know how in Hell Meyer came to hire this guy.  The way losing aggravates those killer cysts in Urban's coconut, I can't imagine he will tolerate too much from Cullen if/when Joe goes schizo. Could be a messy situation, real soon.  In any event, with Urban and Lawrence, Jacksonville should be one of the most entertaining teams to watch in 2021 (and Tim Tebow should already be cut by the time I get around to posting this).   

3. Indianapolis: The Colts are good every other year, and after stupidly trading for frail Arson Wentz, who, surprise! (not) got injured about 5 minutes after landing in Indy, this year isn't an other year.  The defense will crack after 5 or 6 games, and if they were in any other division I'd pick them for last, but look who sits just below: 

4. Houston: LOL! Where to begin? Deshaun Watson's angry cock? The horrible head coach hire, who then hired a horrible staff of relic assistants (Robert Prince, Pep Hamilton, Lovie Smith)? A stable of used car running backs? A defenseless defense that lost its face player, TJ Watt, which might actually turn out to be the only good thing that happened to the Texans, since Watt had become a prima donna who blamed everyone except his own declined self for the Texans feeble defense.  This weird old dude David Culley should win Coach of the Year if the Texans don't end up with the worst record in the League.  Hell, even if they are worst, but manage to win 4 games, that would still be a major accomplishment with this diseased roster and moldy coaching staff.   

AFC West

1. Kansas City: Tampa pushed around the Chiefs in the Super Bowl, in fact, the Bucs looked like the bully from the old Charles Atlas ad and Patty Mahomes looked like the 98 pound weakling with sand kicked in his face.  That kind of beat-down can have a lingering effect, turn the Chiefs into cowering victims who get jumpy at loud noises.  They already over-reacted, trashing their O-Line and bringing in a bunch of new *protection* for the skittish Mahomes.  The Chiefs also lost Sammy Watkins and Damien Williams, and suddenly they look a little thin at the skill positions, and Frank Clark, their only real tough guy on defense, has his machine gun problems.  Hopefully these stressors don't send Andy Reid rummaging around the medicine cabinet too much.  And as a public service, we remind anybody in the Fort Collins, CO area that Andy Reid has a son, Spencer, on the coaching staff at Colorado State, so be careful on the roads.   


2. Las Vegas
: If the Raiders were a little more stable, I'd pick them to dethrone the Chiefs.  For some reason they retooled their entire O-Line, if they didn't break it, Vegas should have an offense at least the equal to KC.  They got a great TE, good RB, under-rated Derek Carr at QB, and I expect Henry Ruggs will be much more of a factor this year.  The problem for the Raiders is they are mentally soft, they give away games, and the blame for that goes to the coaching.  Celebrity coach Jon Gruden brought in a new DC, Gus Bradley, to toughen up the defense, but. . .Bradley's one of those DCs, like Dan Quinn, who made his name running Pete Carroll's defense, he's never done anything on his own, so we are supposed to believe he can fix the Raiders? I'll believe it when I see it.  We can, though, give Bradley credit for one great comedy move: he brought in old-time Marine Rod Marinelli as defensive line coach, just as DE Carl Nassib stepped out of the gay closet. LOL! Him and Marinelli ought to be like something from a bad episode of Modern Family! We also wonder if Topps or Bottoms will issue Nassib's Rookie Gay card.

3. Denver: The Broncos should be a couple games better with Teddy Bridgewater at QB. Bridgewater is the quintessential *game manager* type QB, as opposed to Drew Lock, the quintessential *game mismanager* type QB.  In 2020, the Broncos were -16 in TO difference, dead last.  That shouldn't happen with safety-first Teddy under the center, assuming the fragile signal caller doesn't get blown onto IR by a gust of wind.  The Broncos have decent young talent at most position groups, but. . .you wonder if their ancient baltic amber encased coaching staff (Pat Shurmur, Mike Shula, Mike Munchak, Wade Harman, Ed Donatell, Bill Kollar, John Pagano!) can motivate the TikTok generation. 

4. Los Angeles: I think the Chargers made a terrible mistake shit-canning Anthony Lynn, who managed to win 7 games with a rookie QB and keep the team competitive in most others.  They replaced him with a Whiz Kid DC, Brandon Staley, who probably looked a lot more clever than he really is because he had Aaron Donald on his roster.  Worse, the Whiz Kid hired Joe Lombardi to be OC.  Lombardi failed miserably in his previous attempt at the job, under Jim Caldwell in Detroit. Kelly Stafford had his worst production with Lombardi, and I expect to see a BIG drop off in Justin Herbert's game this year.  

NFC East

1. Washington: Ron Rivera battled Haskins-Lymphoma cancer and still managed to win the Division last year.  Sure, they were only 7-9, but brother, look at the sorry-ass QBs they used.  7 wins with that garbage?  The trash QBs stank so bad, they make the ultimate journeyman back-up QB Ryan Fitzpatrick look like Trevor Lawrence and Pat Mahomes combined.  Fitzpatrick's crazy-ass QBing manages to just stay a little on the plus side, and with the WFT's defense, that should be just enough to once again win this feeble Division.  Curtis Samuel may turn out to be the best value FA signing, the guy should get the ball enough in DC to show off his skill set after having to be a second or third option in Carolina.


2. Dallas
: Just as Bill Belichick was exposed in NE without Tom Brady, so was Mike McCarthy in Dallas without Aaron Rodgers.  In fact, McCarthy was exposed even more, and that's an ugly sight, a morbidly obese guy with a dumb face, he could only win 6 games in the weakest division in League history.

Despite Prescott twisting his ankle a bit, and crying like that little naked Vietnamese napalm girl, the Cowboys still should have won the division, Andy Dalton was the best QB in that sack of shit division, but the Cowboys horrible defense and mental weakness sank them week after week.  The Cowboys ended up paying Prescott about $40 million a year. . .good luck with that!  That's a high-priced damaged goods crybaby.  Once these softies get a taste of IR, they come back to it again and again.  No way Weepy Dak plays all 16 games.  Ezekiel Elliott had a poor year, seeming to have about as much juice as Frank Gore and Adrian Peterson.  Maybe it was because of covid.  Or maybe he's just tired of football. The Cowboys defense will be better this year.  Not because they hired Dan Quinn to run it, but because they lucked out and got Micah Parsons with the #12 pick.  Parsons is a legit Top 3 guy, a difference maker who can ruin offenses.    

3. New York Giants: The Giants signed Kenny Golladay and drafted Kadarius Toney to help Daniel Jones.  Uh, it's not an indication you have a good QB when you have to go out and add new pieces, hoping they make the QB better.  It should be the other way, with the QB bettering those around him.  Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady made HoF careers throwing to low draft picks and cast-offs. Toney might help a bit, but Golladay was a malingerer in Detroit, and he'll hit the sidelines the first chance he gets.  The Giants added a lot to their offense, and hope Saquan Barkley makes a full recovery, but their defense took a couple hits, and they tried to plug one hole with another former Detroit malingerer, Danny Shelton.  This still looks like a pretty piss-poor team coached by a nut that fell from the Belichick coaching tree. Luckily they are in a sorry-ass division, and just like last year, they will probably be in the Division *race* all year even though they are a shit team.   

4. Philadelphia: Probably the worst team in the NFC.  Nobody knows who the Hell their coach is, but he better be the next Vince Lombardi, because he doesn't have much to work with: an aging defense and. . .Jalen Hurts! LOL!  Hurts is a Dollar Store Lamar Jackson, the Eagles wasted their first pick on DeVonta Smith, it's like buying a gold-plated toilet paper dispenser for an outhouse.  I mean, with Hurts, the best you can do is try to duplicate the Ravens run-heavy offense, Najee Harris would have been a better pick.  I got a feeling Eagles fans will boo Hurts off the field by week 6.  Well, who knows? Maybe the Joe Flacco-to-DeVonta-Smith connection will take off and lead the Eagles to a 5-12 record.  

NFC North

1. MyPillow: With Dalvin Cook, Justin Jefferson, Adam Thielen and a more hot than cold Kirk Cousins, the Vikings had a Super Bowl offense in 2020, but Mike Zimmer's defense fell apart, and the Vikings missed the playoffs by one game.  Assuming Danielle Hunter and Anthony Barr return to form after missing last season with injuries, and adding free agents Patrick Peterson and Dalvin Tomlinson, Minnesota's defense should be good enough to move the Vikes past the Packers. . .as long as Cousins doesn't regress into his pre-2020 CousINTs form (and there is the risk his stellar 2021 year was due to playing so many pressure-free games after the team's 1-5 start made the rest of season irrelevant). One other risk for the Vikings: they replaced retired OC Gary Kubiak with his son.  These nepotism hires in the League have a high fail rate, and Zimmer already has his own kid as co-DC.  [After I initially wrote this, the Vikings weird anti-vaxxer contigent emerged, to the degree the entire team is clouded with a Mike Lindell-ish stink, and now I view the Vikings as very risky pick for the top spot in this division, Hell, anybody could win it, even the Bears.  When Zimmer gave oddball anti-vaxxer Rick Dennison his job back after Dennison refused to take the jab, a poor *team second* example was set, which the Minnesota QBs quickly followed, with the result the Vikings opened training camp with all their QBs on the sideline in a covid protocol. . .and Cousins still won't get the kill shot, thus making the Vikings a week-to-week QB disaster risk.]   

2. Green Bay: MeMe Rodgers *Farewell, Green Bay!* prima donna reality show was about as real as his sexual relationship with Shailene Woodley.  All it took to end the farce was for the Fudge Packers to bring back MeMe's favorite shower buddy, Randall Cobb.  Rodgers is a good QB, without question.  He's won a shitload of games for GB, and no doubt they'll win more than a few this year, but. . .I can't help thinking at least a small corner of the Packer locker-room is a little irritated with MeMe's Me-First antics. . .and it probably wouldn't take much of an incident or on-field misfortune for a locker room divide to occur.  To make matters worse, the Packers fired their adequate DC Mike Pettine and replaced him with the colossally inept Joe Barry, Rod Marinelli's son-in-law and architect of the 2008 0-16 Detroit Lions shit-ass defense.  For some reason he was given another chance, and he failed just as miserably with the Redskins in 2016. The Packers defense will be worse. 

3. Detroit: The best bet of the entire NFL Season: taking the over on the Lions at 5.5 wins.  Are you kidding me?  They won 5 games last year under one of the worst head coaches in League history, the morbidly obese, grossly unkempt Matt Patricia, whose players openly cheered his firing.  Plus they get one extra game this year to improve upon those 5 wins.  They have an extremely player friendly-new coaching staff led by the quixotic Dan Campbell and a host of other former NFL players such as Anthony Lynn, Aaron Glenn, Antwaan Randle El, Mark Brunell, Duce Staley, etc.  But. . .Kelly Stafford! exclaim the skeptics.  How can the Lions possibly win a game without Kelly!  And they are replacing him with. . .Jared gOOf?  Because of the whim of the emotionally unstable Sean McVay, all of a sudden Kelly Stafford is a Hall of Fame great, and gOOf is a bum.  I'm not buying it.  There is almost no statistical difference between Kelly Stafford and gOOf. . .other than gOOf has actually won a handful of Big Games.  In addition to the new coaching staff, the Lions actually improved their defensive line, and brought in a coach, Aubrey Pleasant, who should be able to get something out of 2020 #3 draft pick Jeff Okudah.  If the Lions can't go 6-11 I'll send Matt Patricia two dozen Krispy Kremes. . .

4. ChicagoAfter seeming to try to trade for every other team’s starter, the Bears once again sent a bunch of future picks to move up on draft day to get their latest franchise QB. This time it’s Justin Fields, and while the guy does have some skills, and certainly a better track record than Trey Lance (not to mention Mitch Falsebisky), and actually got the better of Trevor Lawrence in the CFP last year, he still seems like a *college QB,* he really struggled against Indiana’s blitzes and Northwestern’s NFL scheme. My bet is: in a couple years Bears fans are gonna be shaking their heads saying we could have had Mac Jones (or even Kyle Trask or Davis Mills). The rest of the Bears offense is adequate, with a decent runner in David Montgomery and a decent receiver in Allen Robinson. The defense still has some punch, but it’s starting to age and they didn’t create turnovers last year like they usually do. This team needs to hit BIG on Fields, but I don’t like their chances. Something about the guy don’t set well, the shady way he left Georgia, with his *race fear,* the way he reacts to big hits, I think he wanted out of the Clemson game but Ryan Day said fuck you, you’re staying in. His performance was significantly less against Alabama when he had a week to brood on his injury.
I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. . .but I don’t think so. The Bears could be crap for years to come.

NFC South

1. Tampa Bay: The Bucs looked like a fringe playoff team for most of the season, then got progressively better their last 8 games, culminating in a epic beat-down of pretty boy Pat Mahomes in the Super Bowl.  Now the entire starting lineup on both sides of the ball is back, and they don't have a weak link, anywhere.  The biggest threat to the Bucs repeating as Champ is Father Time, as a lot of their key players are on their last legs (Brady, Brown, Gronk, Suh, Pierre-Paul, David), and Mike Evans is looking increasingly frail.  Is a 17 game schedule too much for the Tampa senior class?     

2. New Orleans: Drew Brees retired, and that might make the Saints a better team, as Brees could barely get the ball twenty yards downfield by the end of the season.  If Sean Payton had had the guts to bench Drew Brees against Tampa in the Divisional Round Playoff Game last year, the Saints probably would have won.  Brees was horrible, going out with a bunch of girly throws and three INTs.  So now it's Taysom Hill, a *college QB,* or Rapist Winston, who throws as many INTs as TDs.  My guess is, Payton will think he can turn Winston into an All-Pro, then after 6 or 7 up-and-down weeks, will turn to Hill to salvage a playoff spot.  The Saints roster isn't quite as good as last year, when they were better than Tampa.  They're thin at WR, lost their sack leader and a bit of depth on defense.  Though they still have one of the best offensive lines and good RBs, they are now clearly a cut below Tampa, but still probably a playoff team. 

3. Atlanta: The schedule is favorable, as the Falcons get to play all the NFC East sissies, so they should win more than the four games they did last year, but. . .not much more.  They are thin as shit at running back, the O-Line is questionable, and Matt Ryan is another year older.  Of course, Atlanta passed on a QB and decided to get some help for Ryan, picking TE Kyle Pitts #4 overall.  Pitts is one of these *generational* talents, or so they say.  It seems to me Pitts had more injuries than big plays at Florida, but what do I know? The defense played a little harder under interim coach Raheem Morris last year, but you wonder if they will slip back out of resentment Morris wasn't given the permanent job.  The new coach is FedEx heiress Arthur Smith, who is probably the only coach in the League worth more than his team's star players.  It's hard to imagine a Little Lord Fauntleroy silver spoon like Smith motivating an NFL roster, especially the defensive side.  Maybe he can talk concepts with a nice fellow like Matt Ryan and coax a comeback year out of him, like he did with nice Ryan Tannehill down in Tennessee, but I have a feeling most of the Falcons are going to tune out Arthur pretty quick.

4. Carolina: I don't get how Sam Darnold is supposed to be an upgrade over Teddy Bridgewater.  They're pretty much the same thing: small, weak arm. . .though Darnold does have two legs and a white face.  Carolina's star player is the frequently injured Christian McCaffrey.  The Panthers have a decent set of receivers. The defense is average.  They had a ton of draft picks, but the best players they selected were at positions they didn't need any help (WR, RB).  This looks like a last place team. 

NFC West

1. Seattle: The Seahawks used to be a shut-down defense/power run team.  They don't have that kind of personnel, anymore, but Pete Carroll keeps winning, now with a pass-first offense highlighted by premier receivers and deep ball thrower Russell Wilson, which offsets a now mediocre defense.  Carroll is under-rated, one of the All-Time Greats, a Big Winner in both college and the NFL, in the same class as Jimmy Johnson (and, to a lesser degree, Barry Switzer).  Wilson threw a mini-Aaron Rodgers tantrum in the off-season, making some noise about wanting to be traded, but he quieted down pretty quick when it looked like only the Bears would make a serious offer for him.  Seattle only had a couple low draft picks and didn't do much in the free agent market, so it's the same crew again, while their main competitors in the division, the Rams and 49ers made a lot of changes.  LA and SF have coaches the Media consider *geniuses.*  You can have the geniuses, I'll take the Coach.


2. Los Angeles
: So, Sean McVay believed all the press clippings (which he personally clips and organizes himself in a 3-ring binder) stating he's the greatest offensive innovator in football since Sid Gillman, but when his offense was humbled by the Patriots in the Super Bowl, and therefore his ego was also humbled, McVay looked around for a scapegoat onto whom he could cast his failings, and retain his own high opinion of himself: it's all Jared gOOf's fault!  He's too limited to take advantage of my genius!  McVay pretends: if I just had a proper QB, nobody could stop me!  Out of the blue, I guess because he heard Kelly wanted out of Detroit, McVay convinces himself Kelly Stafford is the answer, and because a fair portion of Media still buy into the McVay-as-genius nonsense, presto! Kelly Stafford all of a sudden is Top Tier, instead of a shopworn QB who failed in every (few in number) Big Game.  McVay thinks: it was the Lions fault Stafford never won, with my infallible system (well, almost infallible, if there are no gOOfs), Stafford will be Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady combined into 1.  OK.  Kelly Stafford never had to start a single football game in 12 years in Detroit with the expectation the Lions would ever be good.  And now Kelly has to deliver a Super Bowl.  A Super Bowl win.  McVay already proved he can lose a Super Bowl, he got Kelly Stafford for one reason, to win a Super Bowl.  Maybe Kelly will rise to the occasion.  Maybe it really was all because of Detroit.  OK, but what will McVay's excuse be when Kelly throws a soft pick-6 to Nick Bosa because he couldn't calculate the amount of arc to get the ball over Bosa's arms? The Rams might have other problems, as well.  Massive turnover of coaching staff, particularly on the defensive side.  And their receivers really aren't anything special.  And their running back is already out for the year.  They still have Aaron Donald, Leonard Floyd and Jalen Ramsey, so they should still make the playoffs on their defense alone.  And that's when we'll really see how much of the Detroit stink the genius McVay can wash out of Kelly Stafford's system.  Cuz that'll be McVay's next excuse if the Rams don't win the Super Bowl this year: I need one more year to finish cleansing Kelly of Detroit-itis.  

3. San Francisco: Another odd QB scenario.  Jimmy Crappolo is 24-8 as a starter.  Kyle Shanahan, another offensive *genius* coach, has a 31-36 record. . .but the QB is the problem.  LOL! These geniuses need to look in the mirror.  For some reason, the genius Shanahan decided 24-8 wasn't good enough, he needed a fresh QB.  Dumb.  Even dumber is he traded up to get a QB who played 1 mediocre game of small time college football in 2020.  I mean, if you want a QB like Trey Lance, the supposed *dual threat,* why not take the better version, Justin Fields, who played big boy college ball and beat Trevor Lawrence in a big boy game?  Makes no sense.  Taking Fields wouldn't have made any sense, either, if Shanahan wanted a QB that bad, just take the guy he gaslighted everybody into thinking he wanted, Mac Jones, but no, Shanahan fell madly in love with one of these Workout Wonder Boys, guys who run around in shorts in little domed practice fields playing 1-on-zero fantasy football.  That's how you evaluate QBs?  Instead of watching the tape of his 15 for 30 performance against Central Arkansas? Good luck.  But the 49ers should still have a powerhouse run game, and get a ton of injured defensive starters back, so they have a lot of pieces for a successful season, if Shanahan can resist the temptation to prove his genius by rushing Lance into the starter's job.  

4. Arizona: An odd roster: old beat-up receiver (AJ Green), no running backs, rookie beat-up receiver (Rondale Moore), one trick pony QB, old beat-up DE (JJ What??), all coached by a fad.  This thing could implode. 

Top 5 Rookie QBs

1. Trevor Lawrence   2. Zach Wilson   3. Mac Jones   4. Justin Fields   5. Shane Buechele

Top 5 Veteran QBs

1. Tom Brady   2. MeMe Rodgers   3. Patrick Mahomes II   4. Josh Allen   5. Russell Wilson

Top 5 They Ain't All That

1. Lamar Jackson   2. Kyler Murray   3. Patrick Mahomes II   4. Kelly Stafford   5. Dak Prescott

Top 5 Fifth Round Or Later Draft Picks

1. Jamar Johnson (Denver)   2. Daelin Hayes (Baltimore)   3. Sam Ehlinger (Indianapolis)   4. Daviyon Nixon (Carolina)   5. Dax Milne (Washington)

Top 5 Coaches

1. Pete Carroll   2. Sean Payton   3. Andy Reid   4. John Harbaugh   5. Sean McDermott

Top 5 They Ain't All That Coaches

1. Bill Belichick   2. Mike McCarthy   3. Kyle Shanahan   4. Sean McVay   5. Jon Gruden

First Coach To Be Fired

Kliff Kingsbury

Second Coach To Be Fired

Matt Nagy

They'll Be On IR Before Halloween

1. Kelly Stafford   2. Tuna Gagvoila!   3. Ben Roethlisberger   4. Kyle Pitts   5. Kenny Golladay

Top 5 MVP Longshots

1. Derek Carr   2. Joe Burrow   3. Jameis Winston   4. Ryan Fitzpatrick   5. J.K. Dobbins

Comeback Player Of The Year

Joe Flacco

Top 5 LOL! Player Of The Year

1. Jalen Hurts   2. Arson Wentz   3. Daniel Jones   4. Sam Darnold   5. Dwayne Haskins

They Will Sign Josh Gordon

Los Angeles Rams, as Sean McVay gets Kelly Stafford the help she needs to run his genius system