25 November 2015

Wayward Pines

Wayward Pines Intertitle.png
Ha ha ha ha!  Maybe the dumbest show on television since. . .since. . .Hell, since forever. . .yes, this might be the dumbest program EVER.  It makes Knight Rider seem sophisticated.

The plot?  After some climate change shit or whatever begins to turn human beings into naked pasty-faced cannibals, a bunch of boring people are frozen for 2000 years, then thawed out to re-start civilization. . .in the middle of fucking Idaho!  Anyway, the nerd scientist who runs the New Human Revue refuses to tell the survivors the truth (they all still think it's 2015) because he tried this same human popsicle trick once before, but he told the first batch of humansicles the truth. . .and. . .they just couldn't handle the truth. . .they got all depressed and shit, a bunch of them committed suicide, and a bunch of others just started wreaking general havoc and laying waste to Wayward Pines I. . .so, anyways, the nerd scientist forces his second batch of WP humansicles to live a 1984-like existence.  Of course, some people are suspicious and try to rebel, which creates an extremely tedious subplot, which, amazingly, detracts from the ludicrous main plot, which has more holes than Charlie Sheen's immune system. {click here for rimshot}.  

And not only may this be the dumbest show ever, it's probably the worst-acted, also.  The main characters are Wayward Pines new sheriff and his wife and son. . .the son is played by somebody named Charlie Tahan, a method actor.  Unfortunately, it's the robot method. {click here for rimshot}  It's as lifeless and mechanical performance as you will ever see.  The wife is played by Robert Rodriguez pin-up girl Carla Gugino, and as for her performance, let's just say she showed greater emotional depth in Spy Kids.

The worst acting, however, is turned in by the show's *star:* Matt Dillon.  I've always thought Dillon was a horrible actor, completely tone deaf. . .but after watching Dillon puzzle over his lines episode after episode in Wayward Pines, I now believe old Matty is the worst actor in the history of acting.  There's never been an actor who has understood his character less than Dillon.  Never.  He's the dumbest actor who ever lived.  The dog in Hachi understood his character better. {click here for rimshot}  

But anyways, there is something good about Wayward Pines. . .there won't be a second season!{click here for rimshot}
[Note in the clip above how the actress can't help laughing at how absurdly melodramatically Dillon delivers the line Because Pilcher's a control freak.]

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