27 August 2021

2021 College Football, Week Zero: First (And Last) Time Scott Frost & Bret Bielema Step Into The Spotlight

There are no decent games this Saturday, but there is this ridiculous contest coached by two of college football's most laughable figures:

Nebrasska -7 @ Illinois: Neither of these teams will achieve anything of football merit this year.  They begin a season-long schedule of TV filler games by playing each other, and who wins and who loses makes absolutely no difference in the Grand Football Scheme, it's the football equivalent of background radiation (I don't actually know what background radiation is, but it makes for a catchy metaphor) . . .BUT. . .this is a HUGE game in the race for the National Championship of Schadenfreude Football. . .and it's imperative that Illinois spring the upset so we can begin Scott Frost's 2021 Trail of Tears.  This is the most winnable real game on Nebraska's schedule (Fordham and Buffalo aren't real games), and if Frost somehow loses to slobby boor Bret Bielema in Bret's first game at Illinois, then Frost will:

Probably sniffle and try to fight back tears from streaming down his beet-red face in the post-game presser while inventing another of his moronic excuses (remember, with last year's loss to Iowa, Nebraska became the first team to ever lose a game because the other team clapped too loud) and beg, for about the hundredth time, for just a little more patience as he continues his Herculean task of cleaning up the mess Mike Riley left, though, of course, by this time I doubt any of the current Nebraska roster even know who Mike Riley is.

Now that Mark Dantonio has retired, Frost is easily the biggest crybaby and sorest loser in college football, with an ego only a pussy hair's thinner than Sean McVay's. Everything is always somebody else's fault, he has no shortcomings, and all the proof anybody needs that life is unfair is the satanic fact Nebrasska loses way more football games than they win.

As for Illinois, all you need to know about the abysmal state of their football program is that their last two head coaching hires are Lovie Smith and Bret Bielema.  

Speaking of Bret, a poor coach who rode the wave Barry Alvarez left him in Wisconsin to a big day at Arkansas, where of course he failed, what's most interesting about him, even more interesting than how he managed to convince Illinois he wasn't a retread after kicking around the NFL for a couple years, is how a fat slob like him managed to score such a hot wife. But anyway, we are all Bret Bielema fans in Week Zero. Go Illini!

Prediction: With great reluctance we pick Nebrasska to win (and to cover), thus guaranteeing the Huskers will have a 3-0 record going into the game in which Oklahoma wipes the cupcake schedule produced smug look off Frost's ugly pasty face.

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