What Is, And What Can Never Be

It is this way because it can be no other way.

Live long enough, and the mind is filled with *what if I had done this instead?*

But I could not have done that. . .

I could not have done that because of my sin.

I met certain people. . .and now, years, even decades later, I wonder *what if I had done this instead?*

But because of my sin, I could not have done anything else.

There were certain people I could not reach, because of my sin. *Character traits* necessary to reach certain people either were missing, or were broken by sin. I could not overcome my brokenness. . .and these people drifted away. . .a lasting connection was never made.

It was not a matter of lacking will. Behavior can be changed by force of will. But the *I* cannot be changed. I am a creature. I am what I was made. I was shapen in iniquity. Because of my sin, I lacked the charity, the patience, the understanding, the compassion, the whatever was needed to connect to certain people.

I met certain people, and a weak bond was formed, but could not be sustained because of the defective *I*. Because of sin, *I* did not have the necessary charge to create a stable bond.

I lacked the patience that M. required.

I think of M. now, and say, if only I had been more patient!

But it was never within my ability.

David, at the nadir of his sin, did not pray to God to give him the will to change his behavior. He understood behavior was not the problem. The problem was the defective *I*. . .the soul, the spirit, whatever you want to call the substance that creates *I.*

The Bible identifies it as the *heart.*

I the LORD search the heart. . .

Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the LORD pondereth the hearts. . .

The *heart* of man is defective. . .and is the cause of our trouble.

So David prayed:

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

Behavior is not the issue, it is the brokenness. . .and this brokenness prohibits from *doing this instead.*

By force of will, behavior can change. . .but unless God repairs the heart, everything remains the same.

I met certain people, and I had brief glimpses of other possibilities. . .

These are glimpses of the world without sin. . .

Sin does not wear on me because I feel guilt over my behavior. . .I have long since passed that by. . .I am what I was made.

Sin wears on me because of what I could not and cannot be in this world. . .